Date Saturday, 4 May 2019, at 8:22 a.m.
STANFORD, CA—Saying that certain undergrads clearly hadn’t been accepted on their own merits, students at Stanford University admitted Friday that it was pretty obvious that the billionaire’s dog in the freshman class didn’t get in by itself.
“A lot of us were skeptical that Bailey actually got admitted without help, and once we learned his owner is some big hedge fund guy, it’s obvious money was involved,” said Lydia Riley, 19, adding that she and other members of their Psychology 101 class doubted whether the yellow Labrador had really taken the SATs by itself or was actually planning to join the crew team it had been recruited for.
“I’m not saying Bailey’s stupid, just that the dog clearly never does any work, and whenever you look over during class, he’s never paying attention. Also, my friend lives in the same hall and said Bailey is always out playing Frisbee in the quad and partying. Bailey’s got a really nice laptop, though, and a collar that clearly cost a lot of money, so we looked it up, and turns out his owner is worth over a billion dollars. You just know a couple million of that went to making sure their spoiled dog got into Stanford. It really diminishes the prestige of this university if you work really hard and then you’re just in class next to a dog whose owner paid top dollar to get him admitted.”
Stanford students added that the worst part about Bailey’s acceptance was that it got a spot over some poor dog who could have really used the opportunity.