HUMOR / Message Index

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Messages Posted
Within the Last 10 Year(s)
   (Compressed Listing)
  1. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 06, 2019
    Bloom County -- Friday, 5 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  2. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 07, 2019
    Bloom County -- Saturday, 6 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  3. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 09, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 8 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  4. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 10, 2019
    Bloom County -- Tuesday, 9 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  5. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 11, 2019
    Bloom County -- Wednesday, 10 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  6. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 12, 2019
    Bloom County -- Thursday, 11 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  7. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 13, 2019
    Bloom County -- Friday, 12 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  8. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 15, 2019
    Bloom County -- Sunday, 14 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  9. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 19, 2019
    Bloom County -- Thursday, 18 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  10. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 21, 2019
    Bloom County -- Saturday, 20 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  11. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for April 22, 2019
    Bloom County -- Sunday, 21 April 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  12. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for May 09, 2019
    Bloom County -- Wednesday, 8 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  13. Bloom County 2018 by Berkeley Breathed for May 12, 2019
    Bloom County -- Saturday, 11 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  14. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for May 18, 2019
    Bloom County -- Friday, 17 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  15. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for May 31, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 30 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  16. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for May 31, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 30 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  17. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for May 31, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 30 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  18. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for May 31, 2019
    Bloom County -- Thursday, 30 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  19. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for May 31, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 30 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  20. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for May 31, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 30 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  21. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 01, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 31 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  22. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 01, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 31 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  23. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 01, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 31 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  24. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 01, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 31 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  25. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 01, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 31 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  26. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 02, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 1 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  27. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 02, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 1 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  28. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 02, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 1 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  29. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 02, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 1 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  30. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 02, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 1 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  31. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 03, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 2 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  32. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 03, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 2 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  33. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 03, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 2 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  34. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 03, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 2 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  35. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 03, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 2 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  36. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 04, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 3 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  37. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 04, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 3 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  38. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 04, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 3 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  39. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 04, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 3 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  40. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 04, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 3 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  41. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 05, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 4 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  42. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 05, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 4 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  43. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 05, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 4 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  44. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 05, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 4 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  45. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 05, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 4 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  46. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 06, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 5 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  47. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 06, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 5 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  48. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 06, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 5 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  49. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 06, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 5 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  50. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 06, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 5 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  51. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 07, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 6 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  52. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 07, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 6 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  53. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 07, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 6 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  54. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 07, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 6 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  55. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 07, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 6 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  56. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 08, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 7 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  57. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 08, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 7 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  58. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 08, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 7 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  59. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 08, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 7 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  60. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 08, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 7 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  61. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 09, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 8 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  62. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 09, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 8 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  63. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 09, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 8 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  64. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 09, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 8 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  65. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 09, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 8 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  66. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 10, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 9 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  67. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 10, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 9 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  68. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 10, 2019
    Bloom County -- Sunday, 9 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  69. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 10, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 9 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  70. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 10, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 9 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  71. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 10, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 9 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  72. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 11, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 10 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  73. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 11, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 10 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  74. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 11, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 10 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  75. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 11, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 10 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  76. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 11, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 10 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  77. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 11, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 10 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  78. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 12, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 11 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  79. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 12, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 11 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  80. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 12, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 11 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  81. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 12, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 11 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  82. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 12, 2019
    Bloom County -- Tuesday, 11 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  83. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 12, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 11 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  84. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 13, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 12 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  85. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 13, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 12 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  86. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 13, 2019
    Bloom County -- Wednesday, 12 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  87. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 13, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 12 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  88. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 13, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 12 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  89. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 13, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 12 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  90. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 14, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 13 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  91. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 14, 2019
    Bloom County -- Thursday, 13 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  92. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 14, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 13 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  93. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 14, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 13 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  94. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 14, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 13 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  95. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 14, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 13 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  96. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 15, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 14 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  97. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 15, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 14 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  98. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 15, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 14 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  99. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 15, 2019
    Bloom County -- Friday, 14 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  100. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 15, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 14 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  101. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 15, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 14 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  102. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 16, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 15 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  103. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 16, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 15 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  104. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 16, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 15 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  105. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 16, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 15 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  106. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 16, 2019
    Bloom County -- Saturday, 15 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  107. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 16, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 15 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  108. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 17, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 16 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  109. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 17, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 16 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  110. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 17, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 16 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  111. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 17, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 16 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  112. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 17, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 16 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  113. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 18, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 17 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  114. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 18, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 17 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  115. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 18, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 17 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  116. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 18, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 17 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  117. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 18, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 17 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  118. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 18, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 17 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  119. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 19, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 18 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  120. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 19, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 18 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  121. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 19, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 18 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  122. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 19, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 18 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  123. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 19, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 18 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  124. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 20, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 19 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  125. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 20, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 19 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  126. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 20, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 19 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  127. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 20, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 19 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  128. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 20, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 19 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  129. Bolton Argues War With Iran Only Way To Avenge Americans Killed In Upcoming War With Iran
    The Onion -- Thursday, 20 June 2019, at 4:37 p.m.
    1 message

  130. World Will Get Half Of Its Power From Wind And Solar By 2050
    The Onion -- Thursday, 20 June 2019, at 6:11 p.m.
    1 message

  131. Knicks Front Office Scrambling After Zion Williamson Drafted Before 3rd Pick
    The Onion -- Thursday, 20 June 2019, at 7:10 p.m.
    1 message

  132. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 21, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 20 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  133. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 21, 2019
    Bloom County -- Thursday, 20 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  134. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 21, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 20 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  135. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 21, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 20 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  136. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 21, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 20 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  137. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 21, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 20 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  138. Little League Coach Just Washed-Up Former Little Leaguer
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 8:55 a.m.
    1 message

  139. Woman Under Impression She Being Discreet About Fishing Stray Hair Out Of Bra
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 9:02 a.m.
    1 message

  140. Fashion Designers Announce Plans to Wave With Both Hands, Bow Slightly
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 9:22 a.m.
    1 message

  141. ‘The Lion King’ Turns 25
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 9:25 a.m.
    1 message

  142. Report: Trying To Hug Oncoming Train Still Leading Cause Of Death For Nation’s Idiots
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 9:29 a.m.
    1 message

  143. $1 Billion Worth Of Cocaine Seized
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 9:32 a.m.
    1 message

  144. Get Down And Blog The Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Way!
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 9:45 a.m.
    1 message

  145. Tips For Moving Back In With Your Parents
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 9:51 a.m.
    1 message

  146. Hot Wheels Ranked Number One Toy For Rolling Down Ramp, Knocking Over Dominoes That Send Marble Down A Funnel, Dropping Onto Teeter-Totter That Yanks On String, Causing Pulley System To Raise Wooden Block, Propelling Series Of Twine Rollers That Unwind Spring, Launching Tennis Ball Across Room, Inching Tire Down Slope Until It Hits Power Switch, Activating Table Fan That Blows Toy Ship With Nail Attached To It Across Kiddie Pool, Popping Water Balloon That Fills Cup, Weighing Down Lever That Forces Basketball Down Track, Nudging Broomstick On Axis To Rotate, Allowing Golf Ball To Roll Into Sideways Coffee Mug, Which Tumbles Down Row Of Hardcover Books Until Handle Catches Hook Attached To Lever That Causes Wooden Mallet To Slam Down On Serving Spoon, Catapulting Small Ball Into Cup Attached By Ribbon To Lazy Susan, Which Spins Until It Pushes D Battery Down Incline Plane, Tipping Over Salt Shaker To Season Omelet
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 12:00 p.m.
    1 message

  147. James Harden, Chris Paul Deny Rumors Of Discord, Say They Are Fully Committed To Team At State Farm
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 12:46 p.m.
    1 message

  148. Bolton Calls For Forceful Iranian Response To Continuing U.S. Aggression
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 1:02 p.m.
    1 message

  149. How To Find The Best Cheap Eats In The Dumpsters Behind Los Angeles's Best Restaurants
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 2:13 p.m.
    1 message

  150. Man Remembers It Summer Solstice After Noticing Group Of Pagans Fucking In Ring Of Fire On Way To Work
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 2:21 p.m.
    1 message

  151. EPA Weakens U.S. Climate Change Plan
    The Onion -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 3:39 p.m.
    1 message

  152. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 22, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  153. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 22, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  154. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 22, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  155. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 22, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  156. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 22, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 21 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  157. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 23, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 22 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  158. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 23, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 22 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  159. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 23, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 22 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  160. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 23, 2019
    Bloom County -- Saturday, 22 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  161. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 23, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 22 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  162. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 23, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 22 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  163. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 24, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 23 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  164. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 24, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 23 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  165. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 24, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 23 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  166. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 24, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 23 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  167. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 24, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 23 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  168. The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 24, 2019
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 8:53 a.m.
    1 message

  169. Nation’s Men Holding Acoustic Guitars Announce Plan To Idly Strum While You Try To Talk To Them
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 9:08 a.m.
    1 message

  170. Nenê Wins NBA’s Tenth Man Of The Year Award
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 9:09 a.m.
    1 message

  171. Hero Coworker Contributes Single Tissue To Water Spill Cleanup Efforts At Next Desk
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 9:12 a.m.
    1 message

  172. 5 Things To Know About Tulsi Gabbard
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 9:15 a.m.
    1 message

  173. Wretched Outcast Woman With Combination Skin Forever Trapped Between Dry And Oily Worlds
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 10:46 a.m.
    1 message

  174. John Bolton Urges War Against The Sun After Uncovering Evidence It Has Nuclear Capabilities
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 11:15 a.m.
    1 message

  175. Obesity Rates Falling Among U.S. Preschoolers
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 11:38 a.m.
    1 message

  176. Giannis Antetokounmpo Credits Success To Early Days Playing Against Greek Gods
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 11:59 a.m.
    1 message

  177. Gaming Addict Attempting To Slowly Wean Self Off Of Real Life
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 2:37 p.m.
    1 message

  178. Bolton Says Military Action Still On The Table
    The Onion -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 4:36 p.m.
    1 message

  179. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 25, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  180. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 25, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  181. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 25, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  182. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 25, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  183. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 25, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 24 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  184. Aretha Franklin Institute For Female Entrepreneurship Confirms Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 8:47 a.m.
    1 message

  185. Soldiering On ... And On ...
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 8:59 a.m.
    1 message

  186. Paul Manafort Trying To Ferment Vintage Cheval Blanc In Toilet Tank
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 9:02 a.m.
    1 message

  187. Report: Only 260,000 More Games Of ‘Candy Crush’ Until You Die
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 9:17 a.m.
    1 message

  188. Trump Confirms Pence As 2020 Running Mate
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 9:23 a.m.
    1 message

  189. ‘I Just Want A Substantive, Issues-Oriented Democratic Debate,’ Lie Thousands Of Americans Hungry For Unhinged Trainwreck
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 9:28 a.m.
    1 message

  190. Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 25, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 12:30 p.m.
    1 message

  191. Review: ‘Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled’ Delivers Speed, Savagery, And Fun I Haven’t Felt Since My Third DUI
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 1:03 p.m.
    1 message

  192. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 26, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  193. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 26, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  194. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 26, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  195. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 26, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  196. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 26, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 25 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  197. U.S. Imposes New Sanctions On Iran
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 8:02 a.m.
    1 message

  198. Congress Reaches Compromise To Admit District Of Columbia Into Union As Slave State
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 8:42 a.m.
    1 message

  199. Elderly Man Looks Even Sadder When Smiling
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 8:51 a.m.
    1 message

  200. Man Ruthlessly Scolds Other Man Online For Having Opinion He Held Less Than 2 Years Ago
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 9:07 a.m.
    1 message

  201. Report: Doing Your Part To Stop Climate Change Now Requires Planting 30,000 New Trees, Getting 40,000 Cars Off The Road, Reviving 20 Square Miles Of Coral Reef
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 9:13 a.m.
    1 message

  202. 5 Things To Know About John Delaney
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 12:06 p.m.
    1 message

  203. What To Expect In The First Democratic Debates
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 12:44 p.m.
    1 message

  204. 10 Indie Games That Were So Heartbreakingly Pitiful We Decided To Throw Them A Bone
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 1:45 p.m.
    1 message

  205. Americans Tune Into First Democratic Debates
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 3:42 p.m.
    1 message

  206. Norfolk Tides Third Baseman Sent Down To Baltimore Orioles
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 4:05 p.m.
    1 message

  207. Chuck Todd Extensively Preparing To Accept Whatever Candidates Say At Face Value Without Any Follow-Up Questions
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 8:52 p.m.
    1 message

  208. Lester Holt Begins Debate By Reiterating He Doesn’t Know Who These Fucking People Are
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 9:05 p.m.
    1 message

  209. Tim Ryan Attempting To Stand Out From Other Candidates On Debate Stage By Wearing Blue Power Ranger Costume
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 9:38 p.m.
    1 message

  210. Presidential Debate Sidetracked By Booker, De Blasio Arguing About Best Place In Lower Manhattan To Get Tapas
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 9:59 p.m.
    1 message

  211. 13.5 Million Americans Tune In To Watch Animal Planet’s ‘Puppy Parlay’ During DNC Debate Halftime Show
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 10:27 p.m.
    1 message

  212. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 27, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  213. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 27, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  214. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 27, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  215. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 27, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  216. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 27, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 26 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  217. Pence Declines To Say Whether Climate Change A Threat
    The Onion -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 8:28 a.m.
    1 message

  218. Driver Kind Of Bummed To See Other Car He Been Driving Behind For A While Take Exit Off Highway
    The Onion -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 8:40 a.m.
    1 message

  219. Historians Reveal Aqueducts Were Only Small Portion Of Ancient Rome’s Intricate Water Park System
    The Onion -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 8:52 a.m.
    1 message

  220. OSHA Special Ops Team Raids Local Office After Receiving Intel On Expired Fire Extinguisher
    The Onion -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 9:09 a.m.
    1 message

  221. Report: If Earth Continues To Warm At Current Rate Moon Will Be Mostly Underwater By 2400
    The Onion -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 9:26 a.m.
    1 message

  222. Breaking New Ground: Beto O’Rourke Has Become The First Presidential Candidate Available As A ‘Smash Ultimate’ DLC Fighter
    The Onion -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 1:57 p.m.
    1 message

  223. Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 1
    The Onion -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 2:12 p.m.
    1 message

  224. Trump Picks Stephanie Grisham As New Press Secretary
    The Onion -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 3:54 p.m.
    1 message

  225. Naked Andrew Yang Emerges From Time Vortex To Warn Debate Audience About Looming Threat Of Automation
    The Onion -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 9:30 p.m.
    1 message

  226. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 28, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  227. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 28, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  228. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 28, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  229. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 28, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  230. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 28, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 27 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  231. Here’s The Wi-Fi And Password. Let Us Know If It Doesn’t Work For Whatever Reason
    The Onion -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 10:28 a.m.
    1 message

  232. Experts Say Earliest Warning Signs Of Mental Health Issues Usually Crossing Eyes While Dribbling Finger On Lips, Saying ‘Cuckoo, Cuckoo’
    The Onion -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 10:33 a.m.
    1 message

  233. Illinois Legalizes Marijuana
    The Onion -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 10:47 a.m.
    1 message

  234. CD Projekt Red Announces ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Will Have A Gender-Neutral Character Creator, However Everyone Will Be Christian
    The Onion -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 12:56 p.m.
    1 message

  235. Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 2
    The Onion -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 1:25 p.m.
    1 message

  236. Mueller To Testify Before Congress
    The Onion -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 1:59 p.m.
    1 message

  237. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 29, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  238. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 29, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  239. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 29, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  240. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 29, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  241. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 29, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 28 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  242. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 30, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 29 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  243. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for June 30, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 29 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  244. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for June 30, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 29 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  245. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for June 30, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 29 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  246. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for June 30, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 29 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  247. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 01, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 30 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  248. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 01, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 30 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  249. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 01, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 30 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  250. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 01, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 30 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  251. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 01, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 30 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  252. Extremely Effective Therapist Just Lets Patients Beat Shit Out Of Him For 45 Minutes
    The Onion -- Monday, 1 July 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  253. Supreme Court Rejects Adding Census Citizenship Question
    The Onion -- Monday, 1 July 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  254. God Orders All Followers To Swallow Cyanide Capsules In Preparation For Voyage To Alpha Centauri
    The Onion -- Monday, 1 July 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  255. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for July 01, 2019
    Bloom County -- Sunday, 30 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  256. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 02, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 1 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  257. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 02, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 1 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  258. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 02, 2019
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    1 message

  259. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 02, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 1 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  260. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 02, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 1 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  261. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for July 02, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 1 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  262. Baby Crow’s First Word ‘Caw’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 2 July 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  263. 5 Things To Know About ‘Stranger Things’ Season 3
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 2 July 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  264. Italy To Host 2026 Winter Olympics
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 2 July 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  265. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 03, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 2 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  266. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for July 03, 2019
    Bloom County -- Tuesday, 2 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  267. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 03, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 2 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  268. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 03, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 2 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  269. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 03, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 2 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  270. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 03, 2019
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    1 message

  271. Entitled Burger King Employee Wants $15 An Hour Just For Dealing With Worst Of America Every Day
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 3 July 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  272. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 04, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 3 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  273. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 04, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 3 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  274. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 04, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 3 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  275. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 04, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 3 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  276. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 04, 2019
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    1 message

  277. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 05, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 4 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  278. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 05, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 4 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  279. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 05, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 4 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  280. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 05, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 4 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  281. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 05, 2019
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    1 message

  282. Savvy Pornography Director Includes Preliminary Shot Of Penis That Will Go Off By End Of Film
    The Onion -- Friday, 5 July 2019, at 10:16 a.m.
    1 message

  283. Passersby Feel Sorry For Aging Deep Blue Sitting At Washington Square Park Chess Table All Day
    The Onion -- Friday, 5 July 2019, at 10:19 a.m.
    1 message

  284. Breaking: It Not Too Late To Take Advantage Of The Onion’s Independence Day Mattress Sale
    The Onion -- Friday, 5 July 2019, at 10:24 a.m.
    1 message

  285. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 06, 2019
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    1 message

  286. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 06, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 5 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  287. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 06, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 5 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
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  288. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 06, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 5 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  289. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 06, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 5 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  290. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 07, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 6 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  291. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 07, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 6 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
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  292. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 07, 2019
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    1 message

  293. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 07, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 6 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  294. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 07, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 6 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  295. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 08, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 7 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  296. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 08, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 7 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  297. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 08, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 7 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  298. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 08, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 7 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  299. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 08, 2019
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    1 message

  300. Brother, Sister Have Pretty Good Chemistry
    The Onion -- Monday, 8 July 2019, at 11:10 a.m.
    1 message

  301. Area Man Always Thought He’d Squander His Life Differently
    The Onion -- Monday, 8 July 2019, at 11:30 a.m.
    1 message

  302. NRA Insists That Most Recent Mass Shooting Does Not Accurately Reflect Potential Deadliness Of Firearm
    The Onion -- Monday, 8 July 2019, at 12:27 p.m.
    1 message

  303. Defense Attorneys Vow To Present Irrefutable Evidence Proving Jeffrey Epstein Billionaire
    The Onion -- Monday, 8 July 2019, at 12:58 p.m.
    1 message

  304. ‘Big Little Lies’ Producers Forced To Blur Reese Witherspoon's Face Out After Realizing She Never Signed Release
    The Onion -- Monday, 8 July 2019, at 4:19 p.m.
    1 message

  305. Jeffrey Epstein Swears He Didn’t Know Sex-Trafficking Ring Was Underage
    The Onion -- Monday, 8 July 2019, at 4:43 p.m.
    1 message

  306. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 09, 2019
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  307. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 09, 2019
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  308. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 09, 2019
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    1 message

  309. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 09, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 8 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  310. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 09, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 8 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  311. Woman On Third Level Of Purgatory Tired Of Being Passed Over For Advancement By Less Penitent Men
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 9 July 2019, at 10:25 a.m.
    1 message

  312. Neighborhood Grosser
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 9 July 2019, at 10:36 a.m.
    1 message

  313. Man’s Crippling, Overpowering Need To Be Liked By Everyone Apparently Not Affecting His Behavior
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 9 July 2019, at 10:41 a.m.
    1 message

  314. Swalwell Satisfied With Campaign Sparking Important Conversation About Hopeless Candidates Who Waste Everyone’s Time
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 9 July 2019, at 12:06 p.m.
    1 message

  315. Frustrated Subway Marketers Scrap $150 Million Jeffrey Epstein Ad Campaign
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 9 July 2019, at 12:38 p.m.
    1 message

  316. John Hickenlooper Sets Ambitious $250 Fundraising Goal For Next Debate Cycle
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 9 July 2019, at 2:17 p.m.
    1 message

  317. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 10, 2019
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    1 message

  318. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 10, 2019
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    1 message

  319. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 10, 2019
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    1 message

  320. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 10, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 9 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  321. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 10, 2019
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  322. Pros And Cons Of Shareable Electric Scooters
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 10:35 a.m.
    1 message

  323. Gynecologist Inserting IUD Promises Woman It Will Be Just A Quick Pinch And Then She’ll Be On The Floor Unconscious
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 10:46 a.m.
    1 message

  324. Fork Section Of Cutlery Drawer Overrun By Invasive Soup Spoons
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 12:24 p.m.
    1 message

  325. Sweden Announces Plan To Get 100% Of Energy From Unguarded Wall Outlet In Finland By 2030
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 12:45 p.m.
    1 message

  326. Family Creeped Out By Alexa Playing Back Conversations They Haven’t Even Had Yet
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 12:50 p.m.
    1 message

  327. Outraged Trump Declares He Would’ve Gotten Jeffrey Epstein Way More Lenient Plea Deal
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 12:58 p.m.
    1 message

  328. Phoenix Suns Gorilla Involved In Altercation At Glendale-Area Gentlemen’s Club
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 1:13 p.m.
    1 message

  329. Legal Experts Note Uproar Over Epstein Scandal May Lead To Legislators Outlawing Pedophilia
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 1:42 p.m.
    1 message

  330. U.S. Soccer Federation Argues It Ridiculous For Female Players To Expect Same Pay As Huge Stars Like Daniel Lovitz, Djordje Mihailovic
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 3:20 p.m.
    1 message

  331. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 11, 2019
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    1 message

  332. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 11, 2019
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  333. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 11, 2019
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  334. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 11, 2019
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    1 message

  335. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 11, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 10 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  336. Lucky Bar Mitzvah Boy Gets To Be Picture For ‘Bar Mitzvah’ Wikipedia Page
    The Onion -- Thursday, 11 July 2019, at 10:38 a.m.
    1 message

  337. At The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I Wanted
    The Onion -- Thursday, 11 July 2019, at 12:05 p.m.
    1 message

  338. Epstein Attorneys Denounce Accusers For Trying To Ruin Career Of Successful Child Molester
    The Onion -- Thursday, 11 July 2019, at 12:53 p.m.
    1 message

  339. Farewell To A Legend: Steve Harvey Has Rocketed Through The Roof Of His Studio In Shock After A Guest Told Him She Doesn’t Make Her Kids Do Chores
    The Onion -- Thursday, 11 July 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  340. ICE Sends Agents Home With Sacks Of Flour To Practice What It Like Detaining Real Baby
    The Onion -- Thursday, 11 July 2019, at 2:42 p.m.
    1 message

  341. Paul Ryan Lauded For Inspiring Millions Of Young Gutless Fucking Cowards To Take On Leadership Roles
    The Onion -- Thursday, 11 July 2019, at 4:55 p.m.
    1 message

  342. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 12, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 11 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
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  343. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 12, 2019
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    1 message

  344. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 12, 2019
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    1 message

  345. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 12, 2019
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  346. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 12, 2019
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    1 message

  347. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for May 18, 2019
    Bloom County -- Friday, 17 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
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  348. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for May 31, 2019
    Bloom County -- Thursday, 30 May 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
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  349. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 10, 2019
    Bloom County -- Sunday, 9 June 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  350. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for June 11, 2019
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  372. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for June 30, 2019
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  378. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 01, 2019
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  383. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 02, 2019
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  384. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 02, 2019
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  387. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 03, 2019
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  388. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 03, 2019
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  436. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 12, 2019
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  437. Study Finds Majority Of American Health Insurance Plans Don’t Cover Sending Sickly Child To Convalesce In Countryside
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  438. I’m Pregnant
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  439. Trump Honors Brave Heroes Who Slept With Wives Of Deployed Soldiers
    The Onion -- Friday, 12 July 2019, at 10:12 a.m.
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  440. National Park Service Releases Detailed Guide On What Visitors Should Do Upon Encountering Squirrel
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  441. Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb
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  442. Shameful: Salman Rushdie Used His Blurb For This Young Author’s Debut Novel To Advertise A Speedboat He’s Trying To Sell
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  443. Jeffrey Epstein Offers Court $32 Million Child Pornography Collection As Bail
    The Onion -- Friday, 12 July 2019, at 2:25 p.m.
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  444. Mike Pence Assures Detained Children That They Will Have Safe, Sanitary Conditions In Heaven
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  445. Russell Westbrook Quietly Asks Rockets Team Doctor If He Needs To Make Free Throw To Pass Physical
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  446. ‘It’s Not So Bad,’ Mike Pence Reports On Conditions Of Detainment Center While Hazmat Suit Disinfected
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  452. An Important Message: This Man With A Top Hat And Twisty Mustache Is Visiting Schools Warning Students About The Dangers Of Piloting Hot Air Balloons Under The Influence Of Dr. Fixit’s Vigor-Inducing Delousing Tonic And Quaffable Cure-All
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  462. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 15, 2019
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  463. Department Of Interior Sets Aside Portion Of Florida Beachfront As National ‘Wild Things’ Preserve
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 10:28 a.m.
    1 message

  464. BREAKING: Oh My God, You Killed Her
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 10:49 a.m.
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  465. Sun Still Shining And People Laughing As Though Rip Torn Isn’t Dead
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
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  466. Man’s Existential Terror About Country’s Slide Towards Authoritarianism Sublimated Into Campaign To Get Journalist Fired For Tweet
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 11:33 a.m.
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  467. Trump Supporters Worried Racist Attacks Against Progressive Democrats Just Talk
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 12:34 p.m.
    1 message

  468. Sorry, We Couldn’t Find Anything Good: 7 Absolutely Dogshit Facts About Robin Williams
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 1:30 p.m.
    1 message

  469. HPV Vaccine Benefits May Lead To Cervical Cancer Elimination
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 1:54 p.m.
    1 message

  470. Exhausted Amazon Customer Forced To Piss In Bottle While Browsing Prime Day Deals
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 3:46 p.m.
    1 message

  471. Remorseful Beto O’Rourke Admits His Family Responsible For My Lai Massacre, Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 4:06 p.m.
    1 message

  472. Amazon Workers Attempting Walkout Enter 7th Hour Wandering In Ever-Expanding, Labyrinthian Warehouse
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 4:29 p.m.
    1 message

  473. Trump Claims He Tried To Warn Public About Epstein By Praising Him As A Terrific Guy
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 6:43 p.m.
    1 message

  474. Panicked Tree Freezes In Headlights As Car Barrels Toward It
    The Onion -- Monday, 15 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  475. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for July 09, 2019
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  476. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for July 15, 2019
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    1 message

  477. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 16, 2019
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    1 message

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  480. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 16, 2019
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  481. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 16, 2019
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  482. U.S. Renewables Top Coal For First Time
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 8:42 a.m.
    1 message

  483. New Evidence Finds Titanic Passengers Continued Eating From Buffet As Ship Sank
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 8:53 a.m.
    1 message

  484. It’s Time Video Games Stop Glorifying Violence And Go Back To Glorifying Whatever The Fuck Was Going On In ‘BurgerTime’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 8:58 a.m.
    1 message

  485. Woman Not So Lactose Intolerant When Boyfriend Out Of Town
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 9:02 a.m.
    1 message

  486. Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 16, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 12:14 p.m.
    1 message

  487. Boston General Introduces New ‘Night Among The Patients’ Event Featuring Cocktails, Live Music
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 12:43 p.m.
    1 message

  488. ICE Protests Brutal Conditions Of Being Forced To Stand Outside Homes Of Immigrants For Hours
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 12:55 p.m.
    1 message

  489. 82-Year-Old New Jersey Congressman Bill Pascrell Quietly Asks Ilhan Omar If He Can Be Part Of The Squad
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 1:52 p.m.
    1 message

  490. Moon Receives Standing Ovation At Apollo 11 Anniversary Event
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 3:16 p.m.
    1 message

  491. Trump Tells Liberal Congresswomen To ‘Go Back To Their Country’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 4:13 p.m.
    1 message

  492. 5 Things To Know About ‘Deepfake’ Videos
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 6:04 p.m.
    1 message

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  495. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 17, 2019
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  497. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 17, 2019
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    1 message

  498. Baldwin Reveals Every Door That Locks Behind You In ‘Resident Evil 2’ Uses Baldwin’s High-Quality Latching Technology
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 7:30 a.m.
    1 message

  499. The Creators Of ‘Blackfish’ Are Releasing A New Documentary About How, On Second Thought, SeaWorld Doesn’t Make Sense Without Whales
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 16 July 2019, at 12:00 p.m.
    1 message

  500. Virginia Agrees To Remove Confederate Ghosts From State Capitol
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  501. What The Future Of Farming Looks Like
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  502. Man Annoyed After Neighbors Never Return Son They Borrowed To Do Some Work Around House
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  503. Alan Turing To Be Honored On Britain’s £50 Note
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  504. Mom Saving Baby Pictures For Child To Use On Rap Album Cover
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  505. Report: How About You Tell Us The Goddamn News For A Change?
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  506. Cop Vows To Get Revenge On Eric Garner For Trying To Frame Him For Murder
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 1:21 p.m.
    1 message

  507. House Passes Resolution Overnight Apologizing If Previous Racism Resolution Came Off Too Harsh
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 1:44 p.m.
    1 message

  508. Netflix Cuts Controversial Suicide Scene From ‘13 Reasons Why’
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 2:54 p.m.
    1 message

  509. Man Can’t Believe He Being Jailed On Drug Charge When There Are Real Criminals Out There
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 2:59 p.m.
    1 message

  510. Shocking New Epstein Video Shows Pictures Moving All On Their Own
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 17 July 2019, at 4:30 p.m.
    1 message

  511. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 18, 2019
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    1 message

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  515. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 18, 2019
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  516. National Weather Service Stresses Those In Path Of Heat Wave Should Crawl Towards Sparkling, Cold Spring Shimmering At Edge Of Vision
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 8:42 a.m.
    1 message

  517. Science Class Learning About Harmful Effects Of Sugary Sodas By Submerging Classmate In Coca-Cola For A Week
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 8:45 a.m.
    1 message

  518. John Oliver Annoyed After Discovering He The Only Non-CGI Character In ‘Lion King’ Remake
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 8:55 a.m.
    1 message

  519. Next Bond Movie Will Feature Black Female Actor In Role Of 007
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 8:58 a.m.
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  520. Tips Every Dog Walker Should Know
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 9:20 a.m.
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  521. Pizza Crust Saved To Make Pizza Stock
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 11:24 a.m.
    1 message

  522. Ruth Bader Ginsburg Suspended For Next 10 Rulings Following Supreme Court Bench-Clearing Brawl
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 12:26 p.m.
    1 message

  523. Federal Officials Investigating Man Posting Racist Attacks Online Armed With Millions Of Explosives
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 1:32 p.m.
    1 message

  524. The Master At Her Canvas: Mom Just Brought In A Pretty Average-Looking Rock From The Woods That She Says She Will Use In A ‘Project’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  525. 5 Things To Know About ‘The Lion King’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 3:01 p.m.
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  526. ‘Game Of Thrones’ Receives Record-Breaking 32 Nominations
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 5:14 p.m.
    1 message

  527. Trump Disavows Supporters Who Could Barely Keep Racist Chant Going For 10 Seconds
    The Onion -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 5:35 p.m.
    1 message

  528. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 19, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
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  529. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 19, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  530. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 19, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  531. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 19, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 18 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  532. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 19, 2019
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    1 message

  533. Sweating, Beet-Red Child Descends From Treehouse Assuring Everyone It Not Too Hot To Play Up There
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 8:50 a.m.
    1 message

  534. How Different Colors Affect Your Brain And Body
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 8:52 a.m.
    1 message

  535. Simon, Garfunkel Pose Perfectly Still In Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Exhibit To Avoid Security Guard Catching Them Living In Museum
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  536. Mark Sanford Considering Running Primary Attempt Against Trump
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 9:05 a.m.
    1 message

  537. ‘Now I Understand How Nazi Germany Happened,’ Says Astonished Man Finally Playing ‘Wolfenstein 3D’
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 11:21 a.m.
    1 message

  538. White Supremacists Warn Idealistic Trump Some Compromise Will Be Necessary To Achieve Their Goals
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 12:23 p.m.
    1 message

  539. Pube-Riddled Razor Laid To Rest Following Long Battle With Bikini Line
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 12:48 p.m.
    1 message

  540. Mark Warner Holding Up Long Line Of Senators Waiting For Diving Board At D.C. Reflecting Pool
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 2:14 p.m.
    1 message

  541. Real Buzz Aldrin Spends 50th Straight Year On Moon Trying To Signal Earth To Warn Of Imposter
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 2:55 p.m.
    1 message

  542. Trump Campaign Store Offering Special Disavowed Discount On All ‘Send Her Back’ Merchandise
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 3:17 p.m.
    1 message

  543. New Study Finds Nipples Evolved To Stop Mammals From Squirting Continuous Streams Of Milk From Chests
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 3:45 p.m.
    1 message

  544. Weather Channel Correspondent Paddling Boat Through Melted Sidewalk To Show Off Extent Of Heat Wave
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 4:06 p.m.
    1 message

  545. Trump Picks Little Eugene Scalia—You Know, Antonin’s Boy—To Lead Labor Department
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 4:15 p.m.
    1 message

  546. Trump Says He Disagrees With ‘Send Her Back’ Chants
    The Onion -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 6:38 p.m.
    1 message

  547. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 20, 2019
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  548. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 20, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  549. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 20, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  550. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 20, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 19 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  551. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 20, 2019
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    1 message

  552. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 21, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 20 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  553. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 21, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 20 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  554. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 21, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 20 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  555. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 21, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 20 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  556. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 21, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 20 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  557. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 22, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 21 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  558. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 22, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 21 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  559. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 22, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 21 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  560. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 22, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 21 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  561. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 22, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 21 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  562. Nation’s Dorky Little Nerds Announce They Have Nosebleed
    The Onion -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  563. House Votes To Raise Federal Minimum Wage To $15
    The Onion -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 11:13 a.m.
    1 message

  564. Deal Alert: There Is A Free Copy Of ‘Super Star Wars’ Our Mom Is Going To Throw Out After She Found It In The Basement
    The Onion -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 12:38 p.m.
    1 message

  565. Report: Average American Must Have Life Ruined By Natural Disaster Every 6 Minutes To Fear Climate Change
    The Onion -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 1:44 p.m.
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  566. Laptop Camera Wishes It Could Tell Woman How Good She Looks When She Doesn’t Know She’s Being Watched
    The Onion -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 4:27 p.m.
    1 message

  567. July On Track To Be Hottest Month Ever
    The Onion -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 5:10 p.m.
    1 message

  568. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 23, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  569. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 23, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  570. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 23, 2019
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    1 message

  571. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 23, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  572. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 23, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 22 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  573. Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 23, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 10:36 a.m.
    1 message

  574. Report: PlayStation 5 Has Already Been Out In Japan For, Like, 20 Years
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 10:55 a.m.
    1 message

  575. Chuck Schumer Announces Support For Reparations Bill
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 11:01 a.m.
    1 message

  576. Cop Hired For Posting Racist Rant On Social Media
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 12:55 p.m.
    1 message

  577. Justices Observe Supreme Court Ritual By Driving Stake Through John Paul Stevens’ Heart To Ensure He Dead Before Burial
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 1:12 p.m.
    1 message

  578. Foreign Candy Has Unrecognizable Fruit On Label
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 1:15 p.m.
    1 message

  579. 5 Things To Know About ‘Once Upon A Time In Hollywood’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 1:06 p.m.
    1 message

  580. Woman Spirals Into Vortex Of Self-Doubt After Trader Joe’s Cashier Does Not Compliment Any Of Her Selected Items
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 1:27 p.m.
    1 message

  581. Small Town Ravished By Alejandro
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 2:05 p.m.
    1 message

  582. Tom Hanks Recalls Arriving On ‘A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood’ Set At Dawn For Grueling 6-Hour Cardigan-Application Process
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 2:24 p.m.
    1 message

  583. Iran Arrests 17 People Allegedly Spying For CIA
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 3:28 p.m.
    1 message

  584. ‘That Place Is A Disaster,’ Says Bill De Blasio Watching Flooded NYC Subway On TV During Iowa Campaign Stop
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 4:27 p.m.
    1 message

  585. ESPN Impressed By Mark Sanchez’s Ability To Point Out Football Field
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 5:00 p.m.
    1 message

  586. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 24, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  587. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 24, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  588. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 24, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  589. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 24, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  590. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 24, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 23 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  591. Hundreds Of Thousands Protest Against Governor In Puerto Rico
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 10:04 a.m.
    1 message

  592. Grandmother’s Passing Helps Emotionally Prepare Child For When Pet Hamster Dies
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 10:13 a.m.
    1 message

  593. Pros And Cons Of Meal Kit Delivery Services
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 10:29 a.m.
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  594. 5 Things To Know About The Democratic Congresswomen ‘Squad’
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 10:35 a.m.
    1 message

  595. Real Estate Agents Trying To Gentrify Run-Down Earth By Renaming It West Saturn
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 10:42 a.m.
    1 message

  596. Congratulations! You’ve Read Enough OGN Articles In A Row To Earn A 1-Up!
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 10:58 a.m.
    1 message

  597. ‘It’s Like All The President’s Men Meets Rambo,’ Says Robert Mueller Describing Report To Congress
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 11:03 a.m.
    1 message

  598. Nemesis Has Wikipedia Page
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 11:20 a.m.
    1 message

  599. LeBron James Reveals School He Founded Has Seen Huge Gains In English, Math, And Dunk Testing
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 11:28 a.m.
    1 message

  600. Man Doesn’t Understand Why People Wasting Time Attacking Him For Running Over Their Dog When Trump The Real Enemy
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 12:02 p.m.
    1 message

  601. Tim Duncan Maps Out Spurs’ Genealogy After Being Hired As Team Archivist
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 2:19 p.m.
    1 message

  602. Mueller Testifies Before Congress
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 3:43 p.m.
    1 message

  603. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 25, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  604. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 25, 2019
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    1 message

  605. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 25, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  606. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 25, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  607. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 25, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 24 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  608. Aging Congress Moves Into More Manageable Single-Story Ranch Capitol
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  609. Thousands Of Polar Bears Washing Up On Nation’s Beaches
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  610. New ‘Call Of Duty’ Explores Horrifying Reality Of Life As USO Magician
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  611. Bar Band To Pay Dearly For Slipping In Original Song
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  612. Insecure Infant Worried He Unworthy Of Animatronic Toy Rabbit’s Love
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  613. Boris Johnson To Be Next U.K. Prime Minister
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  614. Catholic Church Not About To Be Out-Molested By Goddamn Boy Scouts
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 2:04 p.m.
    1 message

  615. Sun Setting Over Tropical Beach Kind Of Beautiful In Its Own Way
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 2:31 p.m.
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  616. ‘Space Jam 2’ Taps Mahershala Ali To Play LeBron James
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 3:38 p.m.
    1 message

  617. Pelosi Concerned Outspoken Progressive Flank Of Party Could Harm Democrats’ Reputation As Ineffectual Cowards
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 4:04 p.m.
    1 message

  618. India’s Chandrayaan-2 Mission Heading To Moon
    The Onion -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 4:46 p.m.
    1 message

  619. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for July 26, 2019
    Bloom County -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  620. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 26, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  621. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 26, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  622. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 26, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  623. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 26, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  624. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 26, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 25 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  625. The Onion’s Guide To TikTok
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  626. Everything You Need To Know About ‘Wolfenstein: Youngblood’
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 9:58 a.m.
    1 message

  627. Man Flashes Hand Stamp To Bouncer Like Badge Of Field Agent Entering Crime Scene
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 12:07 p.m.
    1 message

  628. Horrified Iowan Farmer Starts Breaking Out In Corn After Coming Into Direct Contact With Monsanto Crops
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 12:55 p.m.
    1 message

  629. New Tampax High-Speed Applicator Able To Launch Tampons Into Vagina At 500 MPH
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 12:58 p.m.
    1 message

  630. Russian Operative Disappointed Gerrymandering Taking All The Fun Out Of Hacking 2020 U.S. Election
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 2:14 p.m.
    1 message

  631. Justice Department Resumes Capital Punishment After 2-Decade Hiatus
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 2:32 p.m.
    1 message

  632. Customers Relieved To See Perky 7-Eleven Cashier’s Spirit Has Finally Been Crushed
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 2:54 p.m.
    1 message

  633. Samin Nosrat Releases Updated Book ‘Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat, Marshmallow’ About The 5 Key Elements Of Good Cooking
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 3:01 p.m.
    1 message

  634. Instagram Begins Hiding Likes
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 3:14 p.m.
    1 message

  635. 4-Year-Old Convinced Father A Moron After 45th Consecutive Hide-And-Seek Victory
    The Onion -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 3:56 p.m.
    1 message

  636. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 27, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  637. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 27, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  638. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 27, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  639. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 27, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  640. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 27, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 26 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  641. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 28, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 27 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  642. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 28, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 27 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  643. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 28, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 27 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  644. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 28, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 27 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  645. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 28, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 27 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  646. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 29, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 28 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  647. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 29, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 28 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  648. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 29, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 28 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  649. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 29, 2019
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    1 message

  650. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 29, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 28 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  651. Guy On Bus Really Good At Whatever Phone Game That Is
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  652. Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 10:35 a.m.
    1 message

  653. Lifeguard Going To Let Drowning Kid Who Received 3 Verbal Warnings Flail Around For A Bit Before Diving In
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 10:44 a.m.
    1 message

  654. New York Bans Discrimination Against Natural Hair
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  655. Study: Chris Martin Probably Cried When He Wrote ‘Fix You’
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 11:10 a.m.
    1 message

  656. Chuck Grassley Accidentally Lies In State For Few Hours After Drifting Off In Capitol Rotunda
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 11:59 a.m.
    1 message

  657. Sincere Email To Coworker Drafted, Reconsidered, Deleted
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 1:04 p.m.
    1 message

  658. Trump Escalates Baltimore Attacks With Rambling, 3-Hour Press Conference Tearing Into Edgar Allan Poe
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 1:23 p.m.
    1 message

  659. Police Apprehend Man For Repeatedly Failing To Pay For Subway
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 2:28 p.m.
    1 message

  660. Brazil’s Deforestation Of Amazon Increased By 39% In Past Year
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 3:51 p.m.
    1 message

  661. Andrew Yang Loads Shotgun As Hissing, Crackling Copy Machine Lurches Towards Campaign Staff
    The Onion -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 3:58 p.m.
    1 message

  662. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 30, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  663. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 30, 2019
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    1 message

  664. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 30, 2019
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    1 message

  665. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 30, 2019
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    1 message

  666. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 30, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 29 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  667. Notificassignations
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:37 a.m.
    1 message

  668. Woman Who Doesn’t Want To Be Hit On Shouldn’t Be Hanging Out In Bar Taking Drink Orders
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:41 a.m.
    1 message

  669. Swarms Of Grasshoppers Descend On Las Vegas
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:45 a.m.
    1 message

  670. BREAKING: Mute Button On Ad Opens Second, Louder Ad
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:50 a.m.
    1 message

  671. Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 30, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  672. More Presidential Candidates Taking Strident Pro-Caviar Stance To Appeal To Democratic Socialite Wing Of Party
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 11:32 a.m.
    1 message

  673. Eco-Win! Rockstar Announces That For Every Mile Driven In ‘Grand Theft Auto Online’ They’ll Plant A Tree In-Game
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 12:06 p.m.
    1 message

  674. Researchers Confirm Meditation Can Reduce Stress But Totally Get It If You Were Just Venting And Don’t Actually Want Advice
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 12:32 p.m.
    1 message

  675. What To Expect In The Second Democratic Debates
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 1:31 p.m.
    1 message

  676. Mysterious Salem Shopkeeper Offers Seth Moulton Chance At Presidential Debate Stage But At A Terrible Cost
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 2:31 p.m.
    1 message

  677. Jordan Lyles Becomes First Brewer To Wear Irrational Number
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 3:23 p.m.
    1 message

  678. Trump Attacks Al Sharpton, Elijah Cummings In Tweets
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 4:25 p.m.
    1 message

  679. ‘Right This Way To The Debate Stage,’ Says Tearful, Rock-Holding Hickenlooper Aide Leading Candidate To Secluded Spot In The Woods
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 7:34 p.m.
    1 message

  680. Debate Set Clearly Painted-Over Props From Production Of ‘James And The Giant Peach’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:20 p.m.
    1 message

  681. Marianne Williamson Sternly Addresses Homemade Trump Puppet About Immigration In Fiery Debate Exchange
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:40 p.m.
    1 message

  682. John Delaney Befuddled By Question Asking Him To Imagine Himself As President
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:45 p.m.
    1 message

  683. ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DONATE, BETO’S DYING UP THERE’ Reads O’Rourke Campaign Fundraising Email Sent During Debate
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 9:10 p.m.
    1 message

  684. Sanders, Warren Devolve Into Screaming Match After Discovering Insurmountable Divide On Wildlife Management Policy
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 9:32 p.m.
    1 message

  685. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for July 31, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  686. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for July 31, 2019
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    1 message

  687. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for July 31, 2019
    Bloom County -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  688. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for July 31, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  689. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for July 31, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  690. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for July 31, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 30 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
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  691. Dan Coats Resigns As Director Of National Intelligence
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 8:52 a.m.
    1 message

  692. Lindsey Graham Sheepishly Approaches Fox News Interns To See If Anybody Up For Grabbing Drink
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 11:35 a.m.
    1 message

  693. 10 Greatest Video Game Sequels Of All Time
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 11:50 a.m.
    1 message

  694. New USPS Commercial Says They Proudly Send More Fingers For Kidnappers Than Any Other Shipping Company
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 12:25 p.m.
    1 message

  695. Nation’s Middle School Boyfriends Announce You Can Touch It If You Like
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 12:51 p.m.
    1 message

  696. Music Writers Attribute Lil Nas X’s Success To Inventing Country Genre
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 1:15 p.m.
    1 message

  697. Lil Nas X’s ‘Old Town Road’ Breaks Billboard Record
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 6:12 p.m.
    1 message

  698. CNN Publishes Winners And Losers Of Wednesday Night Debate 45 Minutes Before Broadcast
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 7:15 p.m.
    1 message

  699. De Blasio Appealing To Rural Voters By Touting Destruction Of New York City Under His Watch
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 8:14 p.m.
    1 message

  700. Kirsten Gillibrand Appeals To Detroit Voters By Touting Hardscrabble Youth Growing Up As A Car
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 8:38 p.m.
    1 message

  701. Jay Inslee’s Head Explodes After New Fracture Forms In Greenland Ice Sheet
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 9:19 p.m.
    1 message

  702. Jake Tapper Demands Michael Bennet Answer Question Of Whether He Too Big A Pussy To Take Swing At De Blasio
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 9:45 p.m.
    1 message

  703. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 01, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  704. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 01, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  705. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 01, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  706. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for August 01, 2019
    Bloom County -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  707. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 01, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  708. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 01, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 31 July 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  709. Man Likes Ex-Girlfriend’s Tweet In Effort To Smooth Over Emotionally Destroying Her 3 Years Ago
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 11:08 a.m.
    1 message

  710. Card-Only Business Discriminates Against Customers Who Just Have Milking Goats To Barter With
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 11:18 a.m.
    1 message

  711. Lollapalooza Unveils New Air-Conditioned, Soundproof Tent For People Who Definitely Shouldn't Have Come To This
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 12:27 p.m.
    1 message

  712. Study Finds Reading This Article To Completion Provides Body With 13 Essential Vitamins And Minerals
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 12:32 p.m.
    1 message

  713. Ethiopia Plants 350 Million Trees In Single Day
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 1:40 p.m.
    1 message

  714. CNN Under Fire For Failing To Disclose Pro-Iran War Panelist Actually Raytheon DeepStrike Missile
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 2:15 p.m.
    1 message

  715. Lollapalooza Introduces Eco-Friendly Initiative Making Plastic Water Bottles Too Expensive To Afford
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 2:35 p.m.
    1 message

  716. Highlights Of The Second Democratic Debates
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 2:38 p.m.
    1 message

  717. Steven A. Smith: ‘Carmelo Anthony Deserves To Be Buried In An Unmarked Grave, Forgotten By Time’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 4:19 p.m.
    1 message

  718. Man Struggling To Accept Fact That He’ll Never Move Beyond Medium Salsa
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 5:20 p.m.
    1 message

  719. CRISPR Gene-Editing Tool Used To Treat First U.S. Patient
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 5:34 p.m.
    1 message

  720. Hacked Equifax Customer Receives 10,000 Stolen Social Security Numbers As Share Of Class Action Settlement
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 5:48 p.m.
    1 message

  721. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 02, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  722. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 02, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  723. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 02, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  724. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 02, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  725. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 02, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  726. 5 Things To Know About Boris Johnson
    The Onion -- Thursday, 1 August 2019, at 1:00 p.m.
    1 message

  727. Man Gains New Disdain For Band After Seeing Them Live
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 9:15 a.m.
    1 message

  728. A Timeline Of U.S.–Iran Relations
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 9:21 a.m.
    1 message

  729. Fed Cuts Interest Rates
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 9:29 a.m.
    1 message

  730. Car's Bumper Stickers Betray A Confusing Hodgepodge Of Sports Loyalties
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 9:34 a.m.
    1 message

  731. EPA Administrator Proves Carbon Emissions Not Harmful By Inhaling Directly From Truck’s Tailpipe
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 11:56 a.m.
    1 message

  732. John Delaney Warns Universal Healthcare Not As Feasible As Just Letting Lots Of People Die
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 12:06 p.m.
    1 message

  733. ‘Hobbs & Shaw’ Pulled From Theaters Following Reports Of On-Set Mistreatment Of Cars
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 12:16 p.m.
    1 message

  734. Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Succumbing To Glitzy L.A. Lifestyle After Purchasing Flashy 2016 Subaru
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 2:16 p.m.
    1 message

  735. ‘Madden NFL 20’ Debuts Three New Romanceable Kickers
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 3:51 p.m.
    1 message

  736. Obama Reportedly Unfazed By Criticism From 2020 Candidates
    The Onion -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 4:02 p.m.
    1 message

  737. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 03, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  738. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 03, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  739. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 03, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  740. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 03, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  741. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 03, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 2 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  742. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 04, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 3 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  743. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 04, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 3 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  744. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 04, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 3 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  745. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 04, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 3 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  746. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for August 04, 2019
    Bloom County -- Saturday, 3 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  747. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 04, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 3 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  748. ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
    The Onion -- Sunday, 4 August 2019, at 10:33 a.m.
    1 message

  749. ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
    The Onion -- Sunday, 4 August 2019, at 10:42 a.m.
    1 message

  750. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 05, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 4 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  751. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 05, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 4 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  752. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 05, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 4 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  753. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 05, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 4 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  754. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 05, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 4 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  755. Man Told He’d Never Make It As Pro Defies Them All By Sucking For 4 Years In AA Ball
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 8:23 a.m.
    1 message

  756. John Delaney Sends Fundraising Email To Wife Asking To Use More Of Their Money On His Campaign
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 10:53 a.m.
    1 message

  757. Fossil Records Indicate Early Humans Hunted 25-Foot Giant Paramecium And Other Mega-Protista To Extinction
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 11:08 a.m.
    1 message

  758. Woman Knows Smiling Husband Not Really Flirting With Her But It’s Fun To Pretend
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 11:56 a.m.
    1 message

  759. The History Of ‘The Madden Curse’: The Mysterious Trend Of Cover Art Athletes Who Slowly Transform Into John Madden
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 12:32 p.m.
    1 message

  760. Vase Of Flowers On Kitchen Table Probably Memorial For Person Who Died There
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 1:07 p.m.
    1 message

  761. Music Historians Uncover Evidence Of 18th-Century Viennese Boy Band Mozart Fronted Before Leaving To Pursue Solo Career
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 1:13 p.m.
    1 message

  762. John Hickenlooper Drops Out Of 2020 Presidential Race One Assumes
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 1:43 p.m.
    1 message

  763. Trust In Science Growing, Poll Finds
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 12:57 p.m.
    1 message

  764. Thomas Jefferson: ‘The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed From Time To Time With The Blood Of Patriots And Tyrants And Kindergarteners And Newlyweds And High-Schoolers And Parents And Teachers And Worshippers And Workers And Occasionally Infants’
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 2:04 p.m.
    1 message

  765. Impossible Burger Approved To Be Sold In Stores
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 4:20 p.m.
    1 message

  766. Trump Aides Go Into Crisis Mode After President’s Errant Remarks Condemning White Supremacy
    The Onion -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 5:43 p.m.
    1 message

  767. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for August 06, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  768. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 06, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  769. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 06, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  770. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 06, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  771. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 06, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  772. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 06, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 5 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  773. Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 6, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  774. Report: There No Way To Suggest Girlfriend Look For Keys In Purse Again Without Sounding Condescending
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  775. Data Dump
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  776. Study Finds Average Squirrel Lives Through Human Equivalent Of 7 Action Films Every Day
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  777. Medical Procedure Could Delay Menopause By 20 Years
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  778. Consumer Report Indicates Slushies Lose 35% of Their Value Within First Year Of Purchase
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  779. Pervert At Pool Whistling At People In Swimsuits All Day
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  780. Casket To Be Closed Except For Mourners Who Want Peek At Something Really Crazy
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 11:30 a.m.
    1 message

  781. 5 Things To Know About Lyme Disease
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 12:00 p.m.
    1 message

  782. Sable & Rosenfeld Launches Ad Campaign Rebranding Their Cocktail Onions As Gamer Fuel
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 12:30 p.m.
    1 message

  783. ‘New York Times’ Amends Recent ‘Hero Trump Disarms Would-Be Shooter’ Headline
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 1:15 p.m.
    1 message

  784. 8Chan, Popular Message Board For Mass Shooters, Goes Dark
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 4:23 p.m.
    1 message

  785. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 07, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  786. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 07, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  787. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for August 07, 2019
    Bloom County -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  788. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 07, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  789. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 07, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  790. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 07, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 6 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  791. Being Eaten Alive By Shark Not Nearly As Terrifying As Man Had Imagined
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  792. Nintendo Never Should Have Pandered To Women And Created A Female Mario
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  793. iPhone Paranoid Owner Knows It Working With FBI
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  794. Lawmaker Proposes Bill To Curb Social Media Addiction
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  795. Painting Hanging In Thrift Store Must Be Founder Of The Salvation Army
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  796. Pakistani-American Thrilled To See More People Who Could Feasibly Pass For His Nationality On Screen
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 12:07 p.m.
    1 message

  797. Perfectionist Jon Gruden Forces ‘Hard Knocks’ To Film 78th Take Of Scene Where He Cuts Rookie
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 12:14 p.m.
    1 message

  798. Mitch McConnell Wonders If He Could’ve Done More To Harm People In Private Sector
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 12:19 p.m.
    1 message

  799. ‘Shark Tank’ Turns 10
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 12:47 p.m.
    1 message

  800. R. Kelly Fan Trying To Separate Image Of Beloved ’90s Abuser From Reviled ’10s Abuser
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 2:10 p.m.
    1 message

  801. ‘Things Will Never Be As Good In Real Life As They Are On TV,’ Sighs Man Watching Sated Cartoon Character Pull Entire Fish Skeleton Out Of Mouth
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 2:20 p.m.
    1 message

  802. Tucker Carlson Insists Every White Supremacist In America Could Fit In Stadium But That Tickets To TuckerCon Won’t Last
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 5:26 p.m.
    1 message

  803. House Republicans Face Exodus
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 5:58 p.m.
    1 message

  804. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 08, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  805. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 08, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  806. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 08, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  807. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 08, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  808. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 08, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 7 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  809. Stroller Recalled After Manufacturer Discovers Branding Not Visible Enough
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  810. How To Procrastinate Productively
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  811. Badass Pilot Slides Across Hood Of Plane Before Diving Through Window Into Cockpit Seat
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  812. FBI Opens Domestic Terrorism Investigation Into Gilroy, Dayton Shootings
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  813. Francis Ford Coppola Spends Afternoon Hawking Samples Of Coppola Winery Cabernet To Indifferent Grocery Store Shoppers
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 12:44 p.m.
    1 message

  814. Child Concerned Parents Might Never Amount To Anything
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 1:22 p.m.
    1 message

  815. New Amazon Service Lets Customers Boost Shipping Speed With Easy One-Click Charge To Whip Delivery Person
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 2:00 p.m.
    1 message

  816. ‘Sorry About The Tornado Or Whatever,’ Says Trump Wolfing Down Bowl Of Chili While Consoling El Paso Shooting Victim
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 3:29 p.m.
    1 message

  817. Rod Blagojevich Trying To Sell Presidential Commutation To Cellmate For $2.8 Million
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 4:28 p.m.
    1 message

  818. Poll Finds 84% Say Americans Angrier Than Generation Ago
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 4:46 p.m.
    1 message

  819. Trump Campaign Denies Doctoring Photos Showing Him Speaking To 1.8 Million Shooting Victims At Dayton Hospital
    The Onion -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 4:51 p.m.
    1 message

  820. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 09, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  821. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 09, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  822. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 09, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  823. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 09, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  824. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 09, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 8 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  825. Timeline Of Capital Punishment In The U.S.
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  826. Victoria’s Secret Accused Of Promoting Unattainable Beauty Standards With New 3-Cup Bra
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  827. Opioid Deaths Declining
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  828. NFLPA Warns Holdouts They Need To Consider The Risk That They’ll End Up Having To Sign With Jets
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 12:29 p.m.
    1 message

  829. Manifesto Calls On Fellow White Americans To Rise Up And Maintain Status Quo
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 1:49 p.m.
    1 message

  830. Trump Boys Counter Chinese Currency Manipulation By Adding Extra Zeros To $20 Bills
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 1:52 p.m.
    1 message

  831. Koch Foods CEO Applauds Immigrant Arrests As Consequence Of Illegally Accepting Job At Koch Foods
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 3:14 p.m.
    1 message

  832. Men And Women Equally Aroused By Pornography, Study Finds
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 3:23 p.m.
    1 message

  833. Woman Basks In Magic Of Summer While Opening Her Mouth To Sky To Catch Air-Conditioner Drippings
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 3:34 p.m.
    1 message

  834. Question Marks Indicating Playful Uncertainty About Party’s End Time Mean 9:30 P.M.
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 4:09 p.m.
    1 message

  835. Back Bedroom Declared Off-Limits To Party Guests Like Forbidden Wing Of Decrepit Gothic Manor
    The Onion -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 4:23 p.m.
    1 message

  836. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 10, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  837. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 10, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  838. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 10, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  839. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 10, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  840. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 10, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 9 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  841. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 11, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 10 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  842. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 11, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 10 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  843. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 11, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 10 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  844. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 11, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 10 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  845. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 11, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 10 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  846. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 12, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 11 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  847. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 12, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 11 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  848. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 12, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 11 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  849. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 12, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 11 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  850. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 12, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 11 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  851. Man Worried He Has Nothing In Common With Friend Group Apart From Murder They Covered Up 10 Years Ago
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  852. Study Finds Healthy Lifestyle Can Cut Risk Of Developing Alzheimer’s By 60%
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  853. Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog With All The Fixings
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  854. Solitary Pretzel Rolling Through Ghost Town All That Remains From 1800s California Rold Gold Rush
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  855. Seth Moulton Spends Afternoon By Radio To See If They Play Campaign Ad
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  856. Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  857. Christ Calls Off Plans For Return After Realizing It’s Been So Long It’ll Be Weird Now
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 1:06 p.m.
    1 message

  858. Report: You The Only One Who Really Knows What Happened To Jeffrey Epstein
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 1:40 p.m.
    1 message

  859. NASA Plans For Small Space Station Orbiting Moon
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 2:13 p.m.
    1 message

  860. Epstein Associates Distance Selves By Insisting They Hadn’t Used His Child Sex Trafficking Ring In Years
    The Onion -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 3:22 p.m.
    1 message

  861. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 13, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  862. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 13, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  863. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 13, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  864. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 13, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  865. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 13, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 12 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  866. Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 13, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  867. Dwindling Kitchen Resources Forcing Man To Scavenge For Food Higher And Higher In Cabinets
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  868. (Public) Space Invaders
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  869. Band Blows Entire Spotify Royalty Check On Cocaine
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  870. Poll Finds Climate Change Top Issue For Early State Democratic Voters
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  871. Pfizer Announces New Antidote For Slow-Acting Poison Currently Coursing Through Bodies Of Millions Of Americans
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  872. 5 Things To Know About The Keto Diet
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  873. The Heir Apparent: Now That Ninja Left Twitch, The Next Big Streaming Star Is Probably This Red-Faced Kid Who Plays ‘Hearthstone’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 11:28 a.m.
    1 message

  874. Harvard Streamlines Admission Process By Directly Growing New Students From DNA Of Top Donors
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 12:09 p.m.
    1 message

  875. Damning Investigation Finds Jeffrey Epstein Left Unsupervised For Decades Prior To Suicide
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 1:15 p.m.
    1 message

  876. Independent Voters Unimpressed By Both Trump And Democrats
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 1:40 p.m.
    1 message

  877. Flipping Simone Biles Still Floating Through Upper Mesosphere
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 1:57 p.m.
    1 message

  878. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 14, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  879. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 14, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  880. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 14, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  881. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 14, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  882. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 14, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 13 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  883. Waitress Parades Choice Of Pie Slices In Front Of Man Like Madam In High-Class Brothel
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  884. ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ Turns 20
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  885. Pete Buttigieg Charms Crowd At Iowa Truck Stop By Sampling Local Meth
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  886. India’s Tiger Population Doubles In Dozen Years
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  887. Five-Dollar-Deal-Of-Day Poster Last Ghostly Vestige Of Closed Quiznos
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  888. Report: This Next One Goes Out To All The Ladies
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  889. Hundreds Of New York Priests Plead For Sanctuary At St. Patrick’s Cathedral After Sex Abuse Statute Of Limitations Lifted
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 2:22 p.m.
    1 message

  890. 5 Things To Know About The Hong Kong Protests
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 3:08 p.m.
    1 message

  891. NYPD Tickets Dead Cyclist For Obstructing Bike Lane
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 3:32 p.m.
    1 message

  892. 22 States Sue Trump Over EPA Rule Rollback
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 5:18 p.m.
    1 message

  893. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 15, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  894. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 15, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  895. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for August 15, 2019
    Bloom County -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  896. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 15, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  897. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 15, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  898. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 15, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 14 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  899. Pete Best Reveals He Also Fired From The Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, And The Kinks Before They Took Off
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 10:50 a.m.
    1 message

  900. New Leak Reveals That Tom Clancy Will Be Final Boss In ‘Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 11:26 a.m.
    1 message

  901. Report: It Crazy MLB Still Counts Stats From Segregated Era
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 11:37 a.m.
    1 message

  902. Postal Service Releases Stamp With Anus On It To See If Anyone Cares What’s On Stamps Anymore
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 11:41 a.m.
    1 message

  903. How To Delete Voice Recording Data From Smart Devices
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 12:20 p.m.
    1 message

  904. Clingy Wingstop Hounding Man With Dozens Of Messages After Single Drunken Night Together
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 12:33 p.m.
    1 message

  905. J.D. Power And Associates Name 4 Muscular Men Carrying You Everywhere As Best Vehicle In Class
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 12:46 p.m.
    1 message

  906. Happy Bride And Groom Set Ablaze At Viking Wedding
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 2:12 p.m.
    1 message

  907. Pro-Democracy Hong Kong Protesters Disperse From Airports
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 2:53 p.m.
    1 message

  908. Epstein Guards Placed On Disciplinary Leave For Allowing Selves To Be Distracted By Mischievous Monkey That Stole Key Ring
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 3:27 p.m.
    1 message

  909. Wall Street Worried About Key Recession Indicator After Ominous Black Storm Clouds Spotted Atop Mount Money
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 3:53 p.m.
    1 message

  910. Dow Drops 800 Points As Fear Of Recession Looms
    The Onion -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 4:26 p.m.
    1 message

  911. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 16, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  912. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 16, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  913. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 16, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  914. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 16, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  915. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 16, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 15 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  916. New Study Finds English Developed As Secret Language Between 2 Reclusive European Twins
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  917. Democrat Party: Moving Left Vs. Remaining Moderate
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  918. BREAKING: Hot Damn, 500 Smackers!
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  919. New Perdue Farm Policy Lets Livestock Wear Jeans On Casual Fridays
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  920. Weird Wedding Has Some Kind Of Religious Theme
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 11:13 a.m.
    1 message

  921. Report: Little League Pitchers Could Avoid Overtaxing Their Arms By, You Know, Getting Somebody Out
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 11:23 a.m.
    1 message

  922. Naked, Out-Of-Breath CDC Director Announces Nation’s Fertility Rate No Longer In Decline
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 11:53 a.m.
    1 message

  923. CD Projekt Red Says They’ve Eliminated The Need For Crunch On ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ By Breeding Grotesque Human-Rat Hybrid Programmers
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 12:46 p.m.
    1 message

  924. Israel Denies Visit To 2 Democrats
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 12:00 p.m.
    1 message

  925. ‘And Then There Were 23,’ Says Wayne Messam Crossing Out Hickenlooper Photo In Elaborate Grid Of Rivals
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 2:39 p.m.
    1 message

  926. Cautious Browns Fan Not Expecting Team To Do Better Than 13-3
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 3:15 p.m.
    1 message

  927. Amazon Workers Now Being Shipped In Packages To Personally Assure Customers They’re Treated Well
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 3:23 p.m.
    1 message

  928. John Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Presidential Race
    The Onion -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 4:20 p.m.
    1 message

  929. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 17, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  930. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 17, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  931. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 17, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  932. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 17, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  933. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 17, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 16 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  934. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 18, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 17 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  935. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 18, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 17 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  936. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 18, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 17 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  937. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 18, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 17 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  938. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 18, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 17 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  939. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 19, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 18 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  940. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 19, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 18 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  941. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 19, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 18 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  942. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 19, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 18 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  943. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 19, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 18 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  944. Aging Boxing Veteran Wishes Someone Had Told Him Being Punched Unconscious Could Damage His Brain
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 10:48 a.m.
    1 message

  945. After Much Thought, OGN Has Decided To Update Our Review Of ‘Banjo-Kazooie’ From A 9.7 To A 9.6
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 10:55 a.m.
    1 message

  946. Sick Boy’s ‘Visit To Heaven’ Sounding More And More Like Wet Dream
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 12:46 p.m.
    1 message

  947. Newt Gingrich Slams ‘New York Times’ 1619 Project As Shameless Abolitionist Propaganda
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 1:15 p.m.
    1 message

  948. Experts Confirm Doritos Bag Developed Bright, Distinctive Coloring To Warn Potential Predators That It Could Kill Them
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 1:26 p.m.
    1 message

  949. Jeffrey Epstein Free To Visit Earth 6 Days A Week Under Terms Of Sweetheart Afterlife Deal
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 1:34 p.m.
    1 message

  950. Trump Advisor Confirms Administration Looking Into Buying Greenland
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 1:00 p.m.
    1 message

  951. Jay-Z Pledges To Make Sure Colin Kaepernick Gets Contract At NFL Stadium Shop
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 2:18 p.m.
    1 message

  952. Tearful Daniel Pantaleo Embraces Family In Loving Chokehold After Returning Home From Station
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 4:09 p.m.
    1 message

  953. NRA Warns Banning Assault Weapons Would Infringe On Americans’ Constitutional Right To Make Them All Pay
    The Onion -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 5:18 p.m.
    1 message

  954. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 20, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  955. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 20, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  956. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for August 20, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  957. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 20, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  958. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 20, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  959. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 20, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 19 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  960. Ebola Drugs Show 90% Survival Rate
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 10:52 a.m.
    1 message

  961. Character In Thriller Film Totally Unaware 100 Reporters On Front Lawn Until He Opens Door
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 11:06 a.m.
    1 message

  962. Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 20, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 11:19 a.m.
    1 message

  963. Nintendo Confirms Yoshi’s Ability To Throw Eggs To Defeat Enemies Is A Pro-Abortion Stance
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 11:35 a.m.
    1 message

  964. Executive Lorder
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 11:57 a.m.
    1 message

  965. Medal Of Honor Imprint Burned Into Donald Trump’s Chest After Curious President Places It Around Own Neck
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 12:19 p.m.
    1 message

  966. A Look At The Class Of 2023
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 12:35 p.m.
    1 message

  967. Report: Ugh, Trail Mix All Raisins, Almonds, Dried Cranberries, Chocolate Chips, Cashews, Sunflower Seeds
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 2:10 p.m.
    1 message

  968. Jill Biden Urges Democratic Voters To Ignore Which Candidates Are Mentally Sharp Enough To Finish Complete Sentences For Good Of Party
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 2:15 p.m.
    1 message

  969. Cowboys Team Doctor Breaks News That Mentally Deteriorating Jerry Jones Will Soon Be Unable To Recognize Single Player On Roster
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 2:23 p.m.
    1 message

  970. White Supremacist Writing Manifesto Wonders If He Relying Too Much On Easy Racial Stereotypes
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 5:29 p.m.
    1 message

  971. Popeyes Escalates Chick-Fil-A Rivalry With New Sandwich Featuring Dan Cathy’s Battered, Fried Loved Ones
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 6:10 p.m.
    1 message

  972. Swiss Scientists Develop Cat Allergy Vaccine
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 6:16 p.m.
    1 message

  973. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 21, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  974. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 21, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  975. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 21, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  976. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 21, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  977. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 21, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 20 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  978. Discovery Channel Pulls Controversial ‘How It’s Made’ Nuclear Power Episode That Gave Iran Access To Top-Secret Designs
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  979. Famous Boycotts In U.S. History
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  980. Woman Starting To Worry She Turning Into Mother Teresa
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  981. Four Tons Of Pot Found Buried In Jalapeños
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  982. Football Program In Jeopardy After High School Allocates $500,000 To ‘Little Women’ Production
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  983. Man Not Sure If Friend’s House The Type Where He Supposed To Take Off Clothes Before Entering
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 11:38 a.m.
    1 message

  984. Trump Attempts To Ease Tensions With Jewish Community By Noting He Also Would've Murdered Christ
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 12:12 p.m.
    1 message

  985. Field Of Demography Collapses After 92-Year-Old Woman Buys Monster Energy Drink And Sweet Fusion Vape Juice
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 12:26 p.m.
    1 message

  986. How A 2020 Recession Could Happen
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 12:29 p.m.
    1 message

  987. Tyson Foods Sends Cease-And-Desist To Trump For Using Slaughterhouse Recordings As Pump-Up Anthem At Rallies
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 12:35 p.m.
    1 message

  988. Trump Says Any Jewish Person Voting For Democrat Shows ‘Great Disloyalty’
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 3:28 p.m.
    1 message

  989. Study Finds Best Way Of Dealing With Life’s Disappointments Still Casting Snifter Of Rare Scotch Into Roaring Fire
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 5:12 p.m.
    1 message

  990. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 22, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  991. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 22, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  992. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 22, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  993. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 22, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  994. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 22, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  995. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for August 22, 2019
    Bloom County -- Wednesday, 21 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  996. Most Anticipated TV Shows Of Fall 2019
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  997. Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  998. James Bond 25 Gets Title, Release Date
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  999. Woman Tearfully Parts With Long Hairstyle After Realizing She Can’t Provide It With The Kind Of Care It Deserves
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 11:14 a.m.
    1 message

  1000. 10 Clumps Of Grass In Video Games
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 11:21 a.m.
    1 message

  1001. Cartoon Lasso Works Implausibly Well
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 11:41 a.m.
    1 message

  1002. ICE Opens Interdimensional Detention Center To Indefinitely Imprison Immigrants Across Infinite Number Of Multiverses
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 12:36 p.m.
    1 message

  1003. Struggling Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Colorado Senate Race To Run For Jefferson County Commissioner
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 1:15 p.m.
    1 message

  1004. Report Finds Majority Of Freeway Accidents Could Have Easily Been Filmed
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 1:28 p.m.
    1 message

  1005. New Trump Policy Would Permit Indefinite Detention Of Migrant Families
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 2:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1006. ‘Don’t Worry, I’ll Always Be Here To Fight Climate Change,’ Says Jay Inslee Before Ethereally Turning Into Majestic Oak
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 2:06 p.m.
    1 message

  1007. Crowd Roars In Approval As Makeup-Smeared Trump Begs Rally To Tell Him He’s Beautiful
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 2:40 p.m.
    1 message

  1008. Derek Jeter Just Going To Go Ahead And Count Stray Cats In Marlins Attendance Figure
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 4:20 p.m.
    1 message

  1009. Brazilian Government Equips Firefighters With Flamethrowers To Combat Massive Amazon Rainforest
    The Onion -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 4:42 p.m.
    1 message

  1010. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 23, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1011. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 23, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1012. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 23, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1013. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 23, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1014. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 23, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 22 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1015. Poll: Half Of Trump Voters Would Blame Him For Recession
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 7:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1016. Man Who’s About To Cry Bursts Out Of Crowded Room Like He’s Transforming Into A Werewolf
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 7:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1017. Pros And Cons Of Tax Exemptions For Religious Institutions
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1018. We Imprison Hideo Kojima In An Interview Room Until He Breaks Down And Admits He’s Just Making Shit Up As He Goes Along
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1019. Derek Carr Distraught After Reading ‘Hard Knocks’ Script Where He Stabs Antonio Brown In Season Finale
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1020. Christmas-Obsessed Woman Worships Christ Year-Round
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1021. Idiot Walking Around With Fly Open
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1022. Kid Only Pitcher Because He’s Son Of Coach, Gets Daily One-On-One Training, Goes To Pitching Camp Every Summer
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1023. Disneyland Employee Hastily Ad-Libs Story About How Much Goofy Loves Napping On The Pavement
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 12:20 p.m.
    1 message

  1024. Impact Of The Massive Fires In The Amazon Rainforest
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 12:46 p.m.
    1 message

  1025. David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 1:32 p.m.
    1 message

  1026. Bernie Sanders Launches $16 Trillion Climate Plan
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 2:42 p.m.
    1 message

  1027. Every Ingredient In Recipe Substituted To Avoid Trip To Store
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 2:51 p.m.
    1 message

  1028. Aides Struggle To Stop Dozens Of Kerosene-Soaked Republicans From Lighting Selves Ablaze Atop David Koch’s Body
    The Onion -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 3:34 p.m.
    1 message

  1029. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 24, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1030. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 24, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1031. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 24, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1032. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 24, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1033. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 24, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 23 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1034. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 25, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 24 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1035. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 25, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 24 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1036. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 25, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 24 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1037. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 25, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 24 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1038. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 25, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 24 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1039. Sony Announces Discreet New Flesh-Colored VR Helmet That Blends In With Your Face
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 7:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1040. Self-Esteem Built Up At Theater Camp To Get Shy Student Through First 6 Minutes Of School Year
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1041. Sarah Huckabee Sanders To Join Fox News As Contributor
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1042. Parent Struggling To Find Good Reason Why 5-Year-Old Shouldn’t Be Afraid Of Starting School
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1043. Roger Goodell Admits Job Would Be Easier If He Watched Football
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 12:22 p.m.
    1 message

  1044. Teary Andrew Luck Describes Fighting Through Searing Pain He Experiences During Every Excruciating Moment In Indianapolis
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 12:59 p.m.
    1 message

  1045. World Leaders Eagerly Await As G7 Organizers Announce Raffle Drawing For Nintendo Switch
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 1:16 p.m.
    1 message

  1046. Furious Jeff Bezos Reams Out ‘Washington Post’ Editors After Catching Another Copy-Editing Mistake
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 1:43 p.m.
    1 message

  1047. Bird Owner Assures Guests He Sometimes Lets Parakeet Out Of Cage To Fly Around House In Frantic Search For Freedom
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 1:56 p.m.
    1 message

  1048. Obama Upholds In-Office Tradition By Releasing 2019 Summer Kill List
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 5:06 p.m.
    1 message

  1049. Republican Joe Walsh Announces 2020 Primary Challenge To Trump
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 6:20 p.m.
    1 message

  1050. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for August 26, 2019
    Bloom County -- Sunday, 25 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1051. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 26, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 25 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1052. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 26, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 25 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1053. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 26, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 25 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1054. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 26, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 25 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1055. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 26, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 25 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1056. 2019 VMAs Full Of People You Don’t Know, You Desiccated Corpse, You Putrid Crone, You Might As Well Be Dead
    The Onion -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1057. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 27, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1058. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 27, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1059. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 27, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1060. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 27, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1061. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 27, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 26 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1062. Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 27, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 9:28 a.m.
    1 message

  1063. Man Overcomes Fear Of Public Urination
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 11:03 a.m.
    1 message

  1064. Tips For Enduring Long Airport Layovers
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 11:12 a.m.
    1 message

  1065. Confused Biden Tells Rambling Anecdote About Working-Class Single Hammer
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 11:58 a.m.
    1 message

  1066. School Administration Reminds Female Students Bulletproof Vests Must Cover Midriff
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 12:02 p.m.
    1 message

  1067. A Miss Is As Good As A Miley
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 12:26 p.m.
    1 message

  1068. Obama Releases Summer Playlist
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 12:28 p.m.
    1 message

  1069. Review: The Incredible Realism Of ‘Control’ Gives Players The Ability To Make Characters Walk In Whatever Direction They Want And Interact With The World Around Them
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 1:01 p.m.
    1 message

  1070. New ‘Stars Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker’ Trailer Released
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 2:23 p.m.
    1 message

  1071. Amazon Deforestation Reveals Tribe Of Isolated Rich Sociopaths Completely Untouched By Consequence
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 2:35 p.m.
    1 message

  1072. Trump Vows To Eat All Surplus Pork Products China Refuses To Import
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 3:22 p.m.
    1 message

  1073. Flight Attendant Annoyed By Lizzo Attempting To Stuff Giant Inflatable Ass Into Overhead Compartment
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 4:20 p.m.
    1 message

  1074. Johnson & Johnson Pledges To Push Uppers For Couple Decades To Even Things Out
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 4:59 p.m.
    1 message

  1075. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 28, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1076. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 28, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1077. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 28, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1078. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 28, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1079. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 28, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 27 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1080. Man Guesses If Anyone Ever Calls Him Out On Privilege He’ll Just Make Up Something About Being Molested
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1081. Pros And Cons Of Banning Cars In Cities
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1082. Hostages’ Eyes Glazing Over Halfway Through Serial Killer’s Explanation Of Complex Game They Going To Play
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1083. Case Keenum Wins Redskins Starting Job With Heartfelt ‘What I Like Most About Football Is’ Essay
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 2:29 p.m.
    1 message

  1084. Poll Finds Sanders, Warren Now Tied With Biden
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 2:50 p.m.
    1 message

  1085. Study Finds Most Effective Method Of Overcoming Procrastination Having Overseer Beat You Whenever You Stop Working
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 2:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1086. House Wayans And Means Committee Approves $50 Million In Funding For ‘White Chicks’ Sequel
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 3:05 p.m.
    1 message

  1087. Newly Founded Steyer Institute For Political Research Poll Finds Tom Steyer Leading 2020 Democrats At 95%
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 4:34 p.m.
    1 message

  1088. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 29, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1089. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 29, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1090. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 29, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1091. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 29, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1092. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 29, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 28 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1093. Tips For Parents Dealing With Empty Nest Syndrome
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1094. Glassy-Eyed, Disoriented Prosecutor Unexpectedly Drops Lawsuit Against Sackler Family
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1095. CNN Schedules 7-Hour Climate Change Town Hall
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1096. ‘Yeah, I Totally Wore These On The Moon,’ Says Buzz Aldrin Selling Old Pair Of Gym Socks To Complete Sucker For $500,000
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1097. Breaking: The Onion Has Detected A Virus On Your Computer
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 12:41 p.m.
    1 message

  1098. Kobe Bryant Claims He Would’ve Won 12 Rings If Shaq’s Deadbeat Father Was Around To Instill Stronger Work Ethic
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 1:08 p.m.
    1 message

  1099. YouTuber’s Enthusiasm Clearly Flagging By 45th Minute Of ‘Ride The Lightning’ Guitar Solo Lesson
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 1:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1100. Everything You Need To Know About ‘Death Stranding’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 2:05 p.m.
    1 message

  1101. Experts Warn Hurricane Dorian Could Devastate Florida’s Wild Sea-Doo Population
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 3:10 p.m.
    1 message

  1102. U.S., Taliban Close In On Peace Deal
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 3:15 p.m.
    1 message

  1103. Sarah Huckabee Sanders To Join Fox News As American Flag
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 3:24 p.m.
    1 message

  1104. Diplo Launches New House Music Label That You Should Totally Send Your Tapes To, Seriously, You Never Know
    The Onion -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 4:44 p.m.
    1 message

  1105. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 30, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1106. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 30, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1107. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 30, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1108. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 30, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1109. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 30, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 29 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1110. A True War: EA Reveals The Next Battlefield Game Will Take Place In A Divorcing Family
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1111. Hardcore Weezer Fan Hates Everything Band Has Released Since Forming
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1112. New 23andMe Feature Connects Users To Others Who Share Genetic Tendency To Get Billed For $199
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1113. Marriott Phasing Out Tiny Plastic Toiletry Bottles
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1114. Centipede Tearing Ass Across Floor Must Be Really Late For Something
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 12:02 p.m.
    1 message

  1115. Ed Sheeran Announces Plan To Give Public Well-Deserved Break From His Music
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 12:07 p.m.
    1 message

  1116. Horrified Amazon Worker Awakes From Warehouse Accident To Find Jeff Bezos Welding Mechanical Limbs Onto Stumps Where Arms Used To Be
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 12:10 p.m.
    1 message

  1117. Biden Declares Self Only Candidate Who Can Defeat George Bush In 1988 Election
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 12:23 p.m.
    1 message

  1118. Famous Instances Of Censorship In U.S. History
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 12:29 p.m.
    1 message

  1119. Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Bull Intended For President
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 12:34 p.m.
    1 message

  1120. Phone Companies Partner With All 50 States To Fight Robocalls
    The Onion -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 3:31 p.m.
    1 message

  1121. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 31, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1122. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for August 31, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1123. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for August 31, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1124. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 31, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1125. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for August 31, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 30 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1126. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 01, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 31 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1127. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 01, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 31 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1128. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 01, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 31 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1129. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 01, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 31 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1130. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 01, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 31 August 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1131. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 02, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 1 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1132. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 02, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 1 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1133. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 02, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 1 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1134. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 02, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 1 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1135. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 02, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 1 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1136. Report: This To Be History’s Last-Ever Reference To 19th-Century Seamstress Florence Shadewell
    The Onion -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1137. Going Too Far?: Nintendo Has Responded To Complaints That Marth Is Too Overpowered In ‘Smash’ By Giving Him Fibromyalgia
    The Onion -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1138. Unconscious Amazon Employee Chastised For Not Filing Time-Off Request
    The Onion -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1139. Teenagers Making Out In Park Have No Idea What The Hell They’re Doing
    The Onion -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1140. Democrats Launch New ‘Listen Up, Hayseeds’ Campaign To Connect With Rural Voters
    The Onion -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1141. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 03, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1142. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 03, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1143. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 03, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1144. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 03, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1145. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 03, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1146. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 03, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 2 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1147. Deal Alert: A Beluga Whale Beached Itself With A Stomach Full Of Classic N64 Cartridges
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 7:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1148. Nation Returns To Work From Labor Day Weekend
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1149. Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 3, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1150. Nation’s Nonfiction Writers Announce Plans To Keep Writing Down Things That Happened
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 12:04 p.m.
    1 message

  1151. 5 Things To Know About ‘IT Chapter Two’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 12:55 p.m.
    1 message

  1152. Diner Who Previously Put Wadded-Up Napkin On Center Of Plate Comes Out Of Retirement To Take One Last Stab At Burger
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 2:39 p.m.
    1 message

  1153. ‘Help! Help! Who Am I? Where Am I? Who Are You People?’ Says Biden In Embarrassing Campaign Gaffe
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 3:19 p.m.
    1 message

  1154. NASA Investigating First-Ever Crime Committed In Space
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 3:46 p.m.
    1 message

  1155. Obamas Sign Exclusive 6-Truck Deal To Produce Series Of Mid-Size RAM Pickups
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 4:32 p.m.
    1 message

  1156. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 04, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1157. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 04, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1158. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 04, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1159. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 04, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1160. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 04, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 3 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1161. Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 7:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1162. Scholar Wishes Someone Would Refer To Him As Preeminent
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1163. How 2020 Presidential Candidates Can Raise Their Polling Numbers
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1164. Winchester Widens Consumer Reach With New 4.50-Caliber Bullets For Non-Gun Owners To Pelt Targets With
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 9:45 a.m.
    1 message

  1165. Report: Best Indicator Of Kickass Party Still Pizza Spinning On Turntable
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 12:28 p.m.
    1 message

  1166. Gregg Popovich Invites Tim Duncan To Address Team USA On Dangers Of Hypernationalism
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 12:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1167. Inclusive New Texas Bill Prevents Gun Sellers From Discriminating On Basis Of Background Check
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 12:57 p.m.
    1 message

  1168. WHO: Measles Has Made Comeback In 4 European Nations
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 3:15 p.m.
    1 message

  1169. Meghan McCain Defends Right To Own Dozens Of Guns She’s Hidden In Strategic Parts Of ‘The View’ Set
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 3:40 p.m.
    1 message

  1170. 5 Things To Know About Walmart Cracking Down On Gun Sales
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 3:52 p.m.
    1 message

  1171. New Even Bleaker ‘Joker’ Reboot Features Elderly Comic Book Villain Struggling To Care For Wife After Stroke
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 4:24 p.m.
    1 message

  1172. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 05, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1173. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 05, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1174. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 05, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1175. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 05, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1176. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 05, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 4 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1177. Blast From The Past: This Building Kind Of Looks Like A GameCube
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1178. U.S. Deficit Will Reach $1 Trillion Next Year
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1179. Biden Campaign Concerned After Candidate Gives Unsolicited Back Rub To Coat Rack
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1180. 5 Things To Know About Joe Rogan
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1181. Thunderclaptrap
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 12:33 p.m.
    1 message

  1182. Struggling Forever 21 Reminds Teens That Parents Won’t Notice $20 Missing From Wallet Every Now And Then
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 12:51 p.m.
    1 message

  1183. Kim Kardashian Tries To Escape L.A. In Rowboat After Realizing Past 12 Years Of Life Have Been TV Show
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 12:56 p.m.
    1 message

  1184. Marianne Williamson Deletes Tweets About Using Mind To Control Weather After Realizing Nation Unprepared To Wield Such Great Power
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 2:37 p.m.
    1 message

  1185. WHO Finds No Evidence Of Health Concerns From Microplastics In Water
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 2:48 p.m.
    1 message

  1186. Joe Pesci So Sick Of Fans Asking To Blowtorch Scalp For Photo Op
    The Onion -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 3:16 p.m.
    1 message

  1187. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 06, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1188. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 06, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1189. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 06, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1190. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 06, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1191. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 06, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 5 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1192. CDC Investigating As Third Teen Ends Up Dead After Wandering Into Mysterious Cloud Of Vape Mist
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1193. OGN Is Retracting Its 9.3/10 For ‘Gears 5’ After Realizing We Haven’t Gotten A Single Dollar From Microsoft
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1194. Pros And Cons Of Bilingual Education
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1195. Tech Genius In 2120 Devises Revolutionary Concept Of Utilizing Sharp Stick To Harvest Termites
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1196. Africa Set To Be Declared Polio-Free
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1197. Nation’s 30-Year-Olds Pool Money To Buy 2-Bedroom Bungalow Together
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 12:40 p.m.
    1 message

  1198. Nation’s Bison Hold Lavish Fundraiser In Effort To Get 2020 Candidates To Support Environment
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 1:37 p.m.
    1 message

  1199. Trump Inadvertently Saves Life Of Yemeni Family After Appropriating Pentagon Money For Border Wall
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 1:39 p.m.
    1 message

  1200. Piece Of Dog Shit Pretty Picked Over By Time Fly Got There
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 1:42 p.m.
    1 message

  1201. Financial Advisor Urges Ezekiel Elliott To Set Aside 20% Of Salary For Paying Off Women To Keep Quiet
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 1:50 p.m.
    1 message

  1202. We Substituted Hammers With Meatless Burgers To See If Carpenters Noticed The Difference
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 2:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1203. Apologetic Conversion Therapy Founder Offers To Electrocute Past Patients Back Into Being Gay
    The Onion -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 4:29 p.m.
    1 message

  1204. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 07, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1205. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 07, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1206. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 07, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1207. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 07, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1208. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 07, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 6 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1209. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 08, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 7 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1210. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 08, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 7 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1211. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 08, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 7 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1212. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 08, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 7 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1213. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 08, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 7 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1214. Fox Sports Expands NFL In-Game Coverage By Miking Up Every Blade Of Grass
    The Onion -- Sunday, 8 September 2019, at 12:45 p.m.
    1 message

  1215. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 09, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 8 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1216. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 09, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 8 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1217. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 09, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 8 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1218. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 09, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 8 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1219. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 09, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 8 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1220. Here’s Everything We Know So Far About ‘Super Mario 64’
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 7:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1221. Recipe Passed Down From Grandma Gussied Up To Be Less Poor
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 7:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1222. Here’s Everything We Know So Far About ‘Super Mario 64’
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 7:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1223. Historians Reveal Multiple Cradles Of Civilization Each Independently Developed Chicken Tender Basket
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1224. Teenager Walks 30 Feet Ahead So Onlookers Don’t Think He’s In Florence With His Parents
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1225. MIT Media Lab Agrees To Return All Of Jeffrey Epstein’s Donated Girls
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 1:18 p.m.
    1 message

  1226. Trump Under Fire For Forcing Astronauts To Stay In Irish Trump Hotel While On Specialized Space Mission
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 2:47 p.m.
    1 message

  1227. Trump Calls Off Talks With Taliban
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 3:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1228. Jerry Falwell Jr. Tells Story Of Jesus Getting Revenge On Apostle Who Ratted Out His Corruption Schemes
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 5:49 p.m.
    1 message

  1229. Liberty University Board Concerned Falwell’s Corruption Risks Undercutting College’s Mission Of Subjugating Women And Gay People
    The Onion -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 6:19 p.m.
    1 message

  1230. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 10, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1231. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 10, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1232. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 10, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1233. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 10, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1234. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 10, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 9 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1235. Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 10, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1236. Connoisseur Only One Not Enjoying Wine
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1237. Real Life ‘DOOM’: This Office Requires A Keycard To Get In
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1238. Indianapolis Motor Speedway Forced To Lower Speed Limit To 20 MPH After Elementary School Opens Next To Straightaway
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1239. Poll: Americans Overwhelmingly Support Gun Safety Laws
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1240. Longtime Sleepytime Tea Addict Has To Use 6 Bags Just To Feel Drowsy
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1241. John Bolton Consoles Self That At Least He Didn’t Help To Make World Safer Place
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 1:23 p.m.
    1 message

  1242. Stephen A. Smith Retreats To Tranquil, Secluded Fig Tree To Contemplate On Meaning Of NFL Week One
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 1:30 p.m.
    1 message

  1243. America Ends Negotiations With Bloodthirsty Warlord: A Look Back At John Bolton's Time In The Trump Administration
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 1:14 p.m.
    1 message

  1244. Features Of The iPhone 11
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 2:09 p.m.
    1 message

  1245. Ex-CIA Agent Valerie Plame Releases Campaign Video Depicting Her Torturing Voters
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 2:47 p.m.
    1 message

  1246. Facebook Rolls Out Dating Service In U.S.
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 3:28 p.m.
    1 message

  1247. House Democrats Vow To Hold President Accountable With Agriculture Bill Where First Letter Of Every Line Spells Out ‘Impeach Trump’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 4:22 p.m.
    1 message

  1248. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 11, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1249. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 11, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1250. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 11, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1251. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 11, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1252. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 11, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 10 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1253. Student Studying To Become Hair Stylist Nervous For Part Where You Practice On Cadavers
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1254. Rowdy Grandma Double-Fisting Grandchildren
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 10:49 a.m.
    1 message

  1255. 5 Things To Know About ‘Hustlers’
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 1:01 p.m.
    1 message

  1256. City’s Alcoholism Rebranded As Culture
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 1:15 p.m.
    1 message

  1257. Nation Solemnly Recalls Horrors Of 9/11 15th-Anniversary Coverage
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 2:11 p.m.
    1 message

  1258. Apple Reveals New iPhones At Yearly September Event
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 2:36 p.m.
    1 message

  1259. New Pop-Up National Park Offers 500 Square Feet Of Pristine Wilderness For Next 2 Days
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 2:46 p.m.
    1 message

  1260. That's All She Rogue
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 2:55 p.m.
    1 message

  1261. John Bolton Out As National Security Advisor
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 5:09 p.m.
    1 message

  1262. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 12, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1263. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 12, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1264. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 12, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1265. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 12, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1266. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 12, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1267. Apple Reveals New iPhones At Yearly September Event
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 11 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1268. Huge Box Of Extra Organs Left On Curb Outside Hospital
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1269. Tips For Buying A Mattress
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1270. Study Suggests It Could Be Possible To Reverse Biological Age
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1271. New Biblical Evidence Reveals Christ Suffered Extensive Brain Damage During Time Lying Dead In Tomb
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 11:27 a.m.
    1 message

  1272. ‘Those Have To Be First-Time Parents,’ Onlooker Says Of Couple Trying To Screw Infant Into Light Bulb Socket
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 12:37 p.m.
    1 message

  1273. U-Haul Introduces New Catapult Rental Service
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 1:04 p.m.
    1 message

  1274. LEGO Unveils Line Of Playsets Commemorating Children Who Choked To Death On One Of Their Blocks
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 1:08 p.m.
    1 message

  1275. Matthew McConaughey Forced To Apply For Food Stamps After First Month As Adjunct Professor
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 1:52 p.m.
    1 message

  1276. Inspiring: Thousands Of Gamers Have Pitched In To Rescue Consoles Abandoned In The Wake Of Hurricane Dorian
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 1:57 p.m.
    1 message

  1277. Desperate Boy Scouts Officials Announce New ‘You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want’ Membership Campaign
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 2:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1278. Trump Approval Drops 6 Points
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 3:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1279. Sam Darnold’s Mono Diagnosis Forces Jets To Crack Down On Kissing In Huddle
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 3:19 p.m.
    1 message

  1280. Tearful Justify Holds Press Conference Blaming Failed Drug Test On Contaminated Salt Lick
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 4:05 p.m.
    1 message

  1281. Harris Campaign Appeals To Middle-American Voters With New Buffalo Ranch Candidate
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 8:11 p.m.
    1 message

  1282. Marianne Williamson Materializes On Stage In Cloud Of Purple Smoke With Message That DNC Polling Requirements No Match For Power Of Positive Thinking
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 8:30 p.m.
    1 message

  1283. Biden Complains Moderators Keep Giving Him Ample Time To Speak
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 8:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1284. Moderator Jorge Ramos Asks Candidates How They Would Help Struggling Media Companies With $7.5 Billion Of Debt
    The Onion -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 9:15 p.m.
    1 message

  1285. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 13, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1286. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 13, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1287. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 13, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1288. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 13, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1289. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 13, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 12 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1290. Alex Trebek Back On ‘Jeopardy!’
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1291. Roger Goodell: ‘It Nearly Impossible For League To Keep Up With Crimes Regularly Committed By NFL Players’
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1292. Liberal Parents Struggling To Find School District With High-Quality Drag Queens
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1293. Tips For Playing ‘Borderlands 3’
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1294. Bob Dylan On How He Likes His Corn And Why He Likes His Corn
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1295. Green Giant Offering Program Where Gun Owners Can Trade In Firearms For Green Beans
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 11:47 a.m.
    1 message

  1296. Pros And Cons Of Binge-Watching
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 12:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1297. Highlights Of The Third Democratic Debate
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 2:09 p.m.
    1 message

  1298. Harvard Officials Say $8.9 Million Donation From Jeffrey Epstein Was From Brief Recovery Period When He Wasn’t A Pedophile
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 3:03 p.m.
    1 message

  1299. Third Democratic Debate Features Narrowing 2020 Field
    The Onion -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 4:16 p.m.
    1 message

  1300. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 14, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1301. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 14, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1302. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 14, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1303. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 14, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1304. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 14, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 13 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1305. GameStop Somehow Selling Used Version Of Game Day After It Comes Out
    The Onion -- Saturday, 14 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1306. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 15, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 14 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1307. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 15, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 14 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1308. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 15, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 14 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1309. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 15, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 14 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1310. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 15, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 14 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1311. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 16, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 15 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1312. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 16, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 15 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1313. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 16, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 15 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1314. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 16, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 15 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1315. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 16, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 15 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1316. Working In General Vicinity For 8 Hours A Day Misinterpreted As Friendship
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1317. Report: Chucking A Baseball 99 MPH Past Highway Radar Speed Sign Remains Best Indication That You Still Got The Goods
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1318. Grizzled Beer Can Used As Ashtray Watches Another Headstrong 12-Pack Come And Go Through Patio
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1319. Dying Man’s Greatest Regret Wasting So Much Of Life Obsessing About People He Abducted And Strangled
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1320. Study Finds Naps Good For Heart
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 12:44 p.m.
    1 message

  1321. BREAKING: Kyle Acting Like Petulant Little Shit In 3rd Period
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 1:03 p.m.
    1 message

  1322. BREAKING: Mr. Bennington Completely Lost His Shit In 3rd Period
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 1:06 p.m.
    1 message

  1323. Kavanaugh Denies New Sexual Misconduct Claim During Emotional, Pants-Less Press Conference
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 2:34 p.m.
    1 message

  1324. John Bolton Asked To Leave Condo Board Meeting After Repeatedly Advocating Bombing Isaacsons
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 3:04 p.m.
    1 message

  1325. Panicked Ken Burns Worried He In Too Deep With 17-Trillion-Hour ‘The Universe’ Documentary
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 5:03 p.m.
    1 message

  1326. New Kavanaugh Sexual Misconduct Claim Emerges
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 5:34 p.m.
    1 message

  1327. New ESPN Peyton Manning Segment Breaks Down Current Crop Of Quarterback Commercials
    The Onion -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 9:15 p.m.
    1 message

  1328. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 17, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1329. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 17, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1330. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 17, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1331. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 17, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1332. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 17, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1333. Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 17, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1334. Grandpa Asks Server If They Can Break A Two
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1335. 5 Things To Know About ‘American Horror Story: 1984’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1336. Game’s 5,000 Hours Of Written Dialogue Spread Over 200 Side Quests And 6 Branching Endings Derided As Rushed, Repetitive
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1337. Ken Burns Releases ‘Country Music’ Documentary
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1338. McDonald’s Appealing To Health-Conscious Consumers With New ‘You Can’t Run From Us Forever’ Ad Campaign
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 11:17 a.m.
    1 message

  1339. Nike Recalls Sweat-Wicking Shirts That Pulled Gallons Of Liquid Directly From Wearers’ Bodies
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 12:54 p.m.
    1 message

  1340. Ben Roethlisberger Assures Women Of Pittsburgh He Not Done Yet
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 1:06 p.m.
    1 message

  1341. Woman Reminds Friend She Will Always Be Only A Phone Call, Uninterrupted 45-Minute Monologue About Guy She’s Seeing Away
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 2:32 p.m.
    1 message

  1342. I Was In A Movie Called ‘Waterworld’ And Global Warming Is Causing Rising Sea Levels, So Is There Anything To That? Is That Worth Writing An Op-Ed About? No? I Dunno, Anyways…
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 2:41 p.m.
    1 message

  1343. Trump Confirms That It Was Iran Or Some Country Like That Behind Saudi Oil Attacks
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 2:52 p.m.
    1 message

  1344. Yang Campaign Giving Away $120,000 For 10 Families
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 3:40 p.m.
    1 message

  1345. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 18, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1346. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 18, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1347. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 18, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1348. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 18, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1349. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 18, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 17 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1350. Philadelphia To Become DirecTV, PA After Cream Cheese Manufacturer Loses Naming Rights
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1351. ‘Law & Order: SVU’ Turns 20
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1352. Dolphins Fan Starting To Think Brian Flores Not Chief Architect Of Patriots’ Success
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1353. School Shooter Thankfully Stopped Before Doing Enough Damage To Restart National Gun Debate
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1354. Antonio Brown Excited At Opportunity To Pursue Fresh Victims In New England
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1355. New Treatment Stops Common Cold
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1356. Patrick Stewart Spends Morning Shaving Beautiful Golden Locks That Grow On Head Every Night
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1357. Adoption Agency Gives Couple Who Waited Long Time An Extra Kid Free Of Charge
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 12:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1358. 5 Things To Know About The Auto Workers’ Strike
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 1:18 p.m.
    1 message

  1359. Mike Pompeo Appears With Families Of Lost Saudi Oil To Call For Justice
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 2:28 p.m.
    1 message

  1360. Netanyahu Falls Short Of Majority In Israeli Election
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 4:10 p.m.
    1 message

  1361. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 19, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1362. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 19, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1363. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 19, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1364. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 19, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1365. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 19, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1366. Retail Employee Has Little Daily Ritual Where He Drinks Dr. Pepper In Quiet Corner Of Stock Room And Doesn’t Kill Himself
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1367. Cubs Team Doctor Recommends Anthony Rizzo Rehab Injured Ankle By Engaging In Light Physical Activities Like Baseball
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1368. The Onion’s 2019 Emmy Predictions
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1369. Holy Shit, Toddler Just Face-Planted Right Onto Sidewalk
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1370. Escalator Handrail Scorching Hot
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1371. Netflix Acquires Global Streaming Rights For ‘Seinfeld’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1372. Pope Francis Tells Sinner Risky Experimental Sacrament Only Thing Capable Of Saving Him
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1373. Pompeo To Increase Bombing In Afghanistan After Figuring They’ll Miss And Hit Iran At Some Point
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 1:22 p.m.
    1 message

  1374. Grandmother Contracts Herpes 5 Minutes After Checking Into Nursing Home
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 1:56 p.m.
    1 message

  1375. Trump Orders Presidential Motorcade To Take Detour Through Homeless Encampment
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 2:29 p.m.
    1 message

  1376. Justin Trudeau Responds To Blackface Criticism With New ‘Triggered?’ Campaign Slogan
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 2:35 p.m.
    1 message

  1377. White House Strips California Of Auto Emissions Waiver
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 3:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1378. White House Strips California Of Auto Emissions Waiver
    The Onion -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 2:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1379. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 20, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1380. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 20, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1381. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 20, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1382. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 20, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1383. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 20, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1384. The 25th Anniversary Of ‘Friends’
    The Onion -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1385. NFL Pre-emptively Adds Whatever Bullshit Gronk Hawking To Banned Substance List
    The Onion -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1386. Merriam-Webster Adds Nonbinary ‘They’ To Dictionary
    The Onion -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1387. Rookie Forest Ranger Not Getting Hopes Up About Seeing Tree On First Day
    The Onion -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 12:15 p.m.
    1 message

  1388. Overwhelmed Dolphins GM Ask Players To Please Use Automated Email Form When Making Trade Requests
    The Onion -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 12:33 p.m.
    1 message

  1389. 7 Benches Near Your Office Where You Can Eat Lunch In Fucking Peace
    The Onion -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 12:54 p.m.
    1 message

  1390. ‘Ni No Kuni’: Remastering Done Right, But Gameplay Is Marred By My Newborn Son’s Constant Screaming
    The Onion -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 2:39 p.m.
    1 message

  1391. Justin Trudeau Apologizes For Brownface Photos From 2001
    The Onion -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 3:37 p.m.
    1 message

  1392. Audubon Society President Spends Another Morning In Attic Feeding Nation’s 2.9 Billion Missing Birds
    The Onion -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 5:17 p.m.
    1 message

  1393. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 21, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1394. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 21, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1395. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 21, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1396. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 21, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1397. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 21, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 20 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1398. Joe Kennedy Dodges Crashing Planes, Swerving Cars After Announcing Campaign For Senate
    The Onion -- Saturday, 21 September 2019, at 9:40 a.m.
    1 message

  1399. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 22, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 21 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1400. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 22, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 21 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1401. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 22, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 21 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1402. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 22, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 21 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1403. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 22, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 21 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1404. Rob Gronkowski’s Wife Gets Out Photo Album To Prove To Him He's Met Tom Brady
    The Onion -- Sunday, 22 September 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1405. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 23, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 22 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1406. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 23, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 22 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1407. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 23, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 22 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1408. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 23, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 22 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1409. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 23, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 22 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1410. Vatican Forced To Revoke Dozens Of Sainthoods After Discovering Miracles Performed With Eldritch Magic
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1411. U.S. Abortions Hit Record Low
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1412. Song Over Opening Credits Actually Playing On Lead Character’s Radio This Entire Time
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1413. Years Of Playing Tower Defense Games Can’t Prepare You For The Responsibilities Of Defending A Real Tower
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 11:53 a.m.
    1 message

  1414. Quiet Nerdy Kid Lies In Wait For Perfect Moment To Unleash Freestyle Rap Abilities On Classmates
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 12:26 p.m.
    1 message

  1415. House Democrats Issue Condemnation Of Ukraine For Making It Harder To Avoid Impeaching Trump
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 12:30 p.m.
    1 message

  1416. Viewers Disappointed New ‘Frozen 2’ Trailer Provides Almost No Clues To The Specifics Of Trump’s Conversations With Ukrainian President
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 1:38 p.m.
    1 message

  1417. Regular Customer Of Sinaloa Cartel Shocked To Learn Organization Funded Death Squads
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 1:52 p.m.
    1 message

  1418. Netflix CEO Chews Out Content Creators In Post-Emmys Locker Room Tirade
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 2:50 p.m.
    1 message

  1419. ‘All In Service To The Crown,’ Chant Prostrate Phoebe Waller-Bridge, John Oliver, Jodie Comer Dutifully Surrendering Emmy Statuettes To Queen Elizabeth
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 3:31 p.m.
    1 message

  1420. Walmart To Stop Selling All E-Cigarettes
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 4:18 p.m.
    1 message

  1421. Obsessive-Compulsive Baseball Player Has To Touch All 3 Bases Before Going Home
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 4:22 p.m.
    1 message

  1422. Feeble, Wrinkled Greta Thunberg Ages Decades After Spending Excruciating Hour Pleading With World Leaders
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 4:33 p.m.
    1 message

  1423. Nation Perplexed By 16-Year-Old Who Doesn’t Want World To End
    The Onion -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 5:24 p.m.
    1 message

  1424. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 24, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1425. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 24, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1426. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 24, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1427. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 24, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1428. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 24, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 23 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1429. Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1430. FIFA Unveils Strict New Rule Limiting Fans To 5 Racist Chants Per Game
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1431. Disney Opens 200-Acre Sadomasochism Theme Park After Purchasing Rights To Hellraiser Franchise
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1432. Fine Feathered Fiends
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1433. Aging Mother Threatens To Get Some Sperm And Shoot It In Daughter’s Womb Herself If She Doesn't Hurry The Fuck Up
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1434. 3-Year-Old Going To Hold In Fact That Cashier Is Fat Until He’s At Checkout
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1435. How To Make A Public Apology
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 12:33 p.m.
    1 message

  1436. God Fucking Damnit, Live-In Maid Sorted Satins And Cottons Together Again
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 12:54 p.m.
    1 message

  1437. Veterinarian Keeps Trying To Upsell Man On Keeping Pet Alive
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 12:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1438. Veterinarian Keeps Trying To Upsell Woman On Keeping Pet Alive
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 12:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1439. Greta Thunberg Delivers Fiery Speech At U.N.’s Climate Action Summit
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 1:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1440. Hitman 2’s New Tropical Resort DLC Lets You Quit Being An Assassin And Become An Ornithologist For The Remainder Of The Game
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 1:57 p.m.
    1 message

  1441. Democrats Criticize Trump For Attacking Greta Thunberg Instead Of Praising Her Bravery, Ignoring Her Later
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 2:07 p.m.
    1 message

  1442. Fox News Apologizes For Their Mentally Ill Hosts
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 2:36 p.m.
    1 message

  1443. Beto O’Rourke’s Son Concerned Trump Will Order Ukraine To Investigate Him Next
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 4:37 p.m.
    1 message

  1444. Trump Admits To Talking To Ukraine About Biden
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 5:26 p.m.
    1 message

  1445. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 17, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 16 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1446. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 19, 2019
    Bloom County -- Wednesday, 18 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1447. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 20, 2019
    Bloom County -- Thursday, 19 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1448. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 22, 2019
    Bloom County -- Saturday, 21 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1449. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 23, 2019
    Bloom County -- Sunday, 22 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1450. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 25, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1451. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 25, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1452. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 25, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1453. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 25, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1454. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 25, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 24 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1455. Signs Of Trauma On Neolithic Skeleton Indicate Early Humans’ Lifestyle Far More Slapstick Than Previously Thought
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1456. Pros And Cons Of A 4-Day Workweek
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1457. Stuff On TV Show Always Going Wrong
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 11:31 a.m.
    1 message

  1458. 7 Things We Learned From Sony’s ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Media Event
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 12:08 p.m.
    1 message

  1459. Botox Criticized For New Ad Campaign Targeting Millie Bobby Brown
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 12:21 p.m.
    1 message

  1460. Trump Approval Rating Surges To 98% Immediately Following Nancy Pelosi Opening Impeachment Proceedings
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 12:27 p.m.
    1 message

  1461. Pelosi Announces Formal Impeachment Inquiry Of Trump
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 1:11 p.m.
    1 message

  1462. Weak, Exhausted Nancy Pelosi Given Saline Drip Following Hours-Long Attempt To Stand Firm In Convictions
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 1:35 p.m.
    1 message

  1463. NFL Reaffirms Commitment To Player Safety By Eliminating QB Position
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 2:06 p.m.
    1 message

  1464. White House Unveils Lightly Edited Memorandum Of U.S. Constitution That Specifically Declares Trump’s Innocence
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 2:11 p.m.
    1 message

  1465. This Just Serves To Illustrate Science Teacher’s Point About Safety
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 3:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1466. Trump Authorizes Release Of Ukraine Call Memo
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 4:51 p.m.
    1 message

  1467. New Fitness Tracker Monitors Amount Of Exercise Users Watch On TV
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 5:02 p.m.
    1 message

  1468. 5 Things To Know About Greta Thunberg’s Climate Activism
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 5:14 p.m.
    1 message

  1469. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 26, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1470. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 26, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1471. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 26, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1472. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 26, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1473. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 26, 2019
    Bloom County -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1474. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 26, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 25 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1475. Authorities Hunt For Arsonist Suspected Of Purifying Dozens Of Buildings In Bath Of Glorious Flame
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1476. Trump Opens Door On Air Force One Again
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1477. Amazon Signs Pledge To Advance Paris Climate Goals
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1478. Experts Recommend Families Have Plan For Ditching Weakest Member In Case Of Disaster
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 12:43 p.m.
    1 message

  1479. Brewers Players Showering Themselves In Beer Unaware They Clinched Playoff Spot
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 12:57 p.m.
    1 message

  1480. Experts Recommend Families Have Plan For Ditching Weakest Member In Case Of Disaster
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 11:43 a.m.
    1 message

  1481. D.C. Visitors Impressed By Statue Honoring Nation’s First Obelisk President
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 1:17 p.m.
    1 message

  1482. Resistance Democrat Racking Brain For Way To Sexualize Anonymous Whistleblower
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 2:11 p.m.
    1 message

  1483. Nation’s Labradoodles Begin Combusting After Regretful Creator Initiates Self-Destruct Sequence Programmed Into Their DNA
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 2:17 p.m.
    1 message

  1484. Sean Spicer’s Agent Tells Him If He Calls Trump’s Conduct ‘Troubling’ She Could Probably Get Him On ‘American Ninja Warrior’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 2:26 p.m.
    1 message

  1485. Mattel Preempts Backlash Over Gender-Neutral Doll With Release Of New ‘Covered In Genitals’ Barbie
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 2:48 p.m.
    1 message

  1486. Home Depot Introduces New 100-Pound Bag Of Mulch For Fucking Up Back In Garden Section
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 3:27 p.m.
    1 message

  1487. Al Franken Launching SiriusXM Talk Show
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 4:26 p.m.
    1 message

  1488. Chelsea Manning, Reality Winner Excitedly Hoping Nation’s Newfound Approval Of Whistleblowers Will Get Them Out Of Jail
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 5:19 p.m.
    1 message

  1489. How Impeachment Works
    The Onion -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 5:44 p.m.
    1 message

  1490. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 27, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1491. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 27, 2019
    Bloom County -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1492. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 27, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1493. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 27, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1494. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 27, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1495. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 27, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 26 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1496. Reuniting the cast of the beloved original Jurassic Park, Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum w
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1497. Nintendo Releases New Mario Kart Sedan Controller
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 12:20 p.m.
    1 message

  1498. Lindsey Graham Demands To Know How Trump Supposed To Lead Nation Under Such Rampant Accountability
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 12:31 p.m.
    1 message

  1499. Disoriented Amber Guyger Opens Fire After Mistakenly Entering Wrong Courtroom
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 12:59 p.m.
    1 message

  1500. How Gentrification Works
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 1:11 p.m.
    1 message

  1501. I Was Overweight, Depressed, Broke, Drinking Too Much, Tired All The Time, Unhappily Married, Had Terrible Breath, My Penis Was Bleeding, Like, A Lot, My Pets Were Dying On A Daily Basis, I Was In The KKK, I Had Committed 17 Murders, I Was 86 Years Old, I Was A Heavy Smoker, And I Only Had One Tooth Which Was Over A Foot Long. Here’s How I Turned It All Around.
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 1:22 p.m.
    1 message

  1502. Aging Tom Cruise No Longer Able To Climb Outer Wall Of Skyscraper Without Taking Break Halfway Through
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 2:24 p.m.
    1 message

  1503. Cubs Pitching Coach Forced To Clean Up Trembling, Piss-Covered Pitchers After Leaving Them Locked In Bullpen All Day
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 3:26 p.m.
    1 message

  1504. New Hellmann’s Theme Park To Feature World’s Longest Lazy Mayo River
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 3:33 p.m.
    1 message

  1505. Mitch McConnell Dodges Reporter’s Question By Quickly Stepping Into Empty Elevator Shaft
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 4:21 p.m.
    1 message

  1506. Creator Of Labradoodle Says Making Breed His Life’s ‘Greatest Regret’
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 4:27 p.m.
    1 message

  1507. ‘New York Times’ Offers To Disclose Whistleblower Identity To Readers Who Subscribe In Next 24 Hours
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 4:35 p.m.
    1 message

  1508. Slide-Whistleblower Complaint Reveals Trump’s Pants Around Ankles
    The Onion -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 5:17 p.m.
    1 message

  1509. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 28, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1510. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 28, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1511. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 28, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1512. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 28, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1513. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 28, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 27 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1514. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 29, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 28 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1515. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 29, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 28 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1516. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 29, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 28 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1517. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 29, 2019
    Bloom County -- Saturday, 28 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1518. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 29, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 28 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1519. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 29, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 28 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1520. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for September 30, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 29 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1521. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for September 30, 2019
    Bloom County -- Sunday, 29 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1522. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for September 30, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 29 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1523. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for September 30, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 29 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1524. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for September 30, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 29 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1525. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for September 30, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 29 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1526. McDonald’s Testing New Beyond Burger-Based P.L.T. Sandwich
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1527. Chameleon Wishes Environment Would Occasionally Adapt To Him
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1528. Intrusive Thought Actually Making Compelling Argument For Taking Clothes Off In Public Park
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 11:37 a.m.
    1 message

  1529. Friend Group Annoyed They Never See Melissa Anymore Now That She’s Dating Guy Who Keeps Her Locked In Chamber At Top Of Tallest Tower
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 11:40 a.m.
    1 message

  1530. Underprepared Second-Grade Teacher Really Leaning On Class’s Slow Readers To Eat Up Some Clock
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 11:59 a.m.
    1 message

  1531. Deal Alert: Your Parents Have Promised To Buy You ‘Let’s Go Pikachu’ If You Can Make It Through Rosh Hashanah This Year Without Biting Anyone
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 12:37 p.m.
    1 message

  1532. Well, At Least High School Teacher And Student Ended Up Getting Married
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 1:14 p.m.
    1 message

  1533. Authorities Theorize Santa Anita Race Track Deaths Could Be Work Of Horse Serial Killer
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 4:01 p.m.
    1 message

  1534. Poll Finds Support For Impeachment Growing
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 4:05 p.m.
    1 message

  1535. Trump Aides Investigating Whistleblower Struggling To Identify Single Person In CIA With Moral Principles
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 4:20 p.m.
    1 message

  1536. Child Pointing Out Cow On Side Of Road Must Think Parents Don’t Have Fucking Eyes
    The Onion -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 5:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1537. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 01, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1538. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 01, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1539. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 01, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1540. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for October 01, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1541. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 01, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1542. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 01, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 30 September 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1543. Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 1, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1544. Man Feels Pressure To Propose After Dating Girlfriend For 3 Years, Buying Ring, Getting Down On One Knee
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1545. Biz-Aria
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1546. TSA To Phase Out Glue-Sniffing Dogs
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1547. Rock Climber Dies Doing What He Was Kind Of Into For 6 Months
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1548. Bill Belichick Praises Patriots’ Discipline And Dedication In Building The Device
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 12:32 p.m.
    1 message

  1549. 70-Year-Old Man Worried He Running Out Of Time To Have Kids
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 12:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1550. Bernie Sanders Unveils Plan To Tackle Income Inequality With Art Heist From Billionaire’s Home
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 1:12 p.m.
    1 message

  1551. How To Get The Secret ‘Objective Failed’ Ending In ‘Gears 5’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 1:27 p.m.
    1 message

  1552. Nutritionists Report They Wouldn’t Have To Figure Out Which Foods Were Bad For You If Americans Just Ate Normal For Once
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 2:41 p.m.
    1 message

  1553. 5 Things To Know About ‘Joker’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 2:59 p.m.
    1 message

  1554. Rudy Giuliani Subpoenaed Amidst Trump Impeachment Inquiry
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 3:39 p.m.
    1 message

  1555. New Facebook Terms Of Service Includes Compulsory Conscription Into Zuckerberg’s Upcoming War Against Government
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 3:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1556. Police Union Decries Egregious Carriage Of Justice In Amber Guyger Murder Conviction
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 4:30 p.m.
    1 message

  1557. Trump Suggests Arresting Adam Schiff For Treason
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 4:44 p.m.
    1 message

  1558. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 02, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1559. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 02, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1560. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 02, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1561. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 02, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1562. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 02, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 1 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1563. The babysitter
    Peter -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 6:59 a.m.
    1 message

  1564. Crime Scene Has All The Different Types Of Cops
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1565. Pros And Cons Of E-Cigarettes
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1566. Glade Introduces New Vanilla Passion Fruit Unmanned Aerial Application Vehicle
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1567. Restaurant’s Happy Hour Deals Becoming Increasingly Desperate
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1568. His Holiness Has Repeatedly Stated This Is Not A Cult
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1569. J. Lo, Shakira To Perform Super Bowl Halftime Show
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1570. ‘Are You The Whistleblower?’ Trump Boys Ask White House Janitor After Giving Him Serum Of All The Sodas Mixed Together
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1571. Sanders Attributes Recovery To Thousands Of Small Blood Donations
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 1:15 p.m.
    1 message

  1572. Pompeo Clarifies Anyone In Country Can Listen In On Trump Administration Calls By Picking Up Phone, Dialing 9
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 2:01 p.m.
    1 message

  1573. Mark Zuckerberg Says He Will Sue If Elizabeth Warren Became President
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 3:18 p.m.
    1 message

  1574. Amazon Issues Reminder To Employees About Bringing In Outside Thoughts To Work
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 3:35 p.m.
    1 message

  1575. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 03, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1576. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 03, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1577. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 03, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1578. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 03, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1579. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 03, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1580. Grandpa’s Dying Wish Only Legal In Vietnam
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1581. New NCAA Rule Forces Athletes To Remove All Facial Features To Prevent Them From Profiting Off Likeness
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1582. Controversial New Guidelines Says No Need To Cut Back On Red Meat
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1583. Excited CDC Employees Begin Decorating For Flu Season
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 11:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1584. Woman Holds Off Buying Herself New Headphones So Boyfriend Can Surprise Her With Shittier Version For Her Birthday
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 12:46 p.m.
    1 message

  1585. The Most Terrifying Horror Games Of All Time
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 12:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1586. ‘Seinfeld’ Producers Reveal They Originally Planned To Kill Off Jerry In The Pilot
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 1:28 p.m.
    1 message

  1587. 5 Things To Know About Eugene Scalia
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 2 October 2019, at 6:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1588. Justin Trudeau Explains Deep Spiritual Significance Of Oil Pipelines Through Indigenous Lands
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 2:09 p.m.
    1 message

  1589. ‘Please Guide Me In My Darkest Hour Lord,’ Prays Trump Kneeling Before Portrait Of Himself
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 2:34 p.m.
    1 message

  1590. Worst Disease Outbreaks In U.S. History
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 2:48 p.m.
    1 message

  1591. Fisher-Price Recalls Dangerous 30-Foot-Tall High Chair
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 3:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1592. Kamala Harris Undergoes Heart Surgery After Seeing Positive Reception For Sanders
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 4:31 p.m.
    1 message

  1593. Sanders Cancels Campaign Events To Receive Heart Stents
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 4:42 p.m.
    1 message

  1594. FBI Warns ‘Downton Abbey’ Screenings Could Be Target For Shootings By Disgruntled Royalist
    The Onion -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 6:29 p.m.
    1 message

  1595. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 04, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1596. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 04, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1597. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 04, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1598. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 04, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1599. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 04, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 3 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1600. Woman Walking Through Woods In Autumn Loves Crunch Of Freshly Fallen Birds Underfoot
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1601. Pros And Cons Of A Wealth Tax
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1602. Report: Katelyn To Keep Her Headphones In During Entire 2-Hour Drive To Soccer Game
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1603. Investors Return To Saudi Arabia Year After Khashoggi Killing
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1604. New Patriotic Gatorade Ad Shows Terrorists Being Waterboarded With Gatorade
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 12:21 p.m.
    1 message

  1605. Bag Of Cocaine Mostly Stems
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 12:26 p.m.
    1 message

  1606. Vontaze Burfict Expresses Deep Regret For Letting Jack Doyle Live
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 12:29 p.m.
    1 message

  1607. Giuliani: ‘When The Going Gets Tough, I Can Always Look Back Fondly On The Events Of 9/11’
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 2:31 p.m.
    1 message

  1608. We Finally Found Where The Termites Are Coming From
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 2:42 p.m.
    1 message

  1609. Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 3:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1610. Trump Furiously Searching Raytheon Catalog For Gift After Realizing He Promised China And Ukraine Same Javelin Missile
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 4:41 p.m.
    1 message

  1611. Trump Publicly Calls For China, Ukraine To Investigate Bidens
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 5:03 p.m.
    1 message

  1612. Nation’s Top Pseudoscientists Harness High-Energy Quartz Crystal Capable Of Reversing Effects Of Being Gemini
    The Onion -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 5:11 p.m.
    1 message

  1613. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 05, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1614. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for October 05, 2019
    Bloom County -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1615. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 05, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1616. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 05, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1617. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 05, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1618. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 05, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 4 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1619. I bought a horse today
    Turd Ferguson -- Sunday, 6 October 2019, at 1:36 a.m.
    1 message

  1620. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 06, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 5 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1621. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 06, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 5 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1622. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 06, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 5 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1623. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 06, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 5 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1624. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 06, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 5 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1625. Mom Arrives From Other Room For Semi-Hourly Report On Game
    The Onion -- Sunday, 6 October 2019, at 2:37 p.m.
    1 message

  1626. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 07, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 6 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1627. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 07, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 6 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1628. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 07, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 6 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1629. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 07, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 6 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1630. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 07, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 6 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1631. Early Signs Of Heart Attack Mistaken For Runner’s High
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1632. Forever 21 Declares Bankruptcy
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1633. Report: On Second Glance Guy On Bus Not Actually Stanley Tucci
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1634. Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 12:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1635. Learning To Love Himself Getting Man Out Of A Lot Of Painful Self-Reflection
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 1:51 p.m.
    1 message

  1636. Trying Their Best: The ‘Gears Of War’ Twitter Account Just Posted A Tribute To Black History Month Even Though The Timing’s Way Off
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 2:02 p.m.
    1 message

  1637. Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded By Live-In Caregiver
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 2:15 p.m.
    1 message

  1638. FDA Moves To Ban All Flavored Jolly Ranchers
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 2:48 p.m.
    1 message

  1639. Report: New Suit, Sir?
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 3:27 p.m.
    1 message

  1640. Banksy Painting Sells For Record $12.2 Million
    The Onion -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 4:17 p.m.
    1 message

  1641. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 08, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1642. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 08, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1643. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 08, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1644. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 08, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1645. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 08, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 7 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1646. Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 8, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1647. Man Who Constantly Brags About How Great He Is At Oral Tragically Good At It
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1648. 5 Things To Know About ‘The Addams Family’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1649. Vicar Treat
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1650. NASA’s First All-Female Spacewalk To Happen This Month
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1651. Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 12:55 p.m.
    1 message

  1652. Man Starting To Think He Didn’t Win 1995 Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Sweepstakes For Free Trip To Australian Outback
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 3:40 p.m.
    1 message

  1653. GOP Lawmakers Watch Silently As Trump Strangles Each Of Their Loved Ones In Turn
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 4:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1654. New Supreme Court Term To Take On Issues Including Gay Rights, Abortion
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 4:35 p.m.
    1 message

  1655. Chinese Officials Respond To NBA Controversy By Moving Millions Of Citizens To NHL Re-Fanification Camps
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 4:42 p.m.
    1 message

  1656. Juan Soto Sheepishly Asks Group Of Nationals Fans Entering Liquor Store If They Can Buy Beer For Him After Win
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 5:07 p.m.
    1 message

  1657. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 09, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1658. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 09, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1659. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for October 09, 2019
    Bloom County -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1660. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 09, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1661. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 09, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1662. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 09, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 8 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1663. Trump Retweets Photo Of Supportive ‘Good Job, Donald’ Message He Carved Into Own Forehead
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1664. Trump Pulling U.S. Troops From Northern Syria
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1665. Dog Takes Pilgrimage To Holy Site Where It Once Found Rotisserie Chicken On Side Of Road
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 11:04 a.m.
    1 message

  1666. Job-Hunting Jay Gruden Frantically Scrubs Social Media Of Anything Associated With Redskins
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 11:20 a.m.
    1 message

  1667. Timeline Of Healthcare In America
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 11:26 a.m.
    1 message

  1668. Skip Bayless Slams History Of Chinese Post-Opium War Intervention Anxiety In 6-Hour ‘Undisputed’
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 11:33 a.m.
    1 message

  1669. Study Finds Over 55 Million Deaths Could Be Prevented Annually By Some Sort Of Immortality Serum
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 2:30 p.m.
    1 message

  1670. Trump Blocks U.S. Ambassador From Testifying To Congress
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 2:53 p.m.
    1 message

  1671. Dallas Cops Plant Black Suspect At Murder Scene
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 3:04 p.m.
    1 message

  1672. Trump Assures Kurds There Will One Day Be Very Nice Tree Planted In D.C. Commemorating Their Deaths
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 3:07 p.m.
    1 message

  1673. Video Game Sword Master Teaches Pupil Unbeatable Secret Technique Of Backpedaling Away From Foes While Wildly Swinging Weapon
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 3:14 p.m.
    1 message

  1674. ‘At Least They Don’t Know About My Leaking, Prolapsed Anus,’ Thinks Devin Nunes Filing Lawsuit Against Mocking Twitter Accounts
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 4:54 p.m.
    1 message

  1675. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 10, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1676. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 10, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1677. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 10, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1678. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 10, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1679. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 10, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 9 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1680. Despondent Trump Drives Golf Cart Into Water Hazard
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1681. Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1682. 3 Scientists Win Nobel Prize For Work On Nature Of Universe
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1683. Pfizer Unveils New Prescription Medicine To Help Adults Quit Sitting
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1684. 5 Things To Know About ‘El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1685. Bank Hostages Can’t Believe Police Didn’t Spring For Better Pizza
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1686. ‘They Can’t Arrest Both Of Us,’ Says Giuliani Handcuffing Himself To Times Square Pikachu
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 2:29 p.m.
    1 message

  1687. PS5 vs. Xbox Project Scarlett: What We Know So Far
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 3:18 p.m.
    1 message

  1688. Business That Supposedly Considers Itself One Big Family Doesn’t Want Employees Bathing Together
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 3:45 p.m.
    1 message

  1689. Biden Calls For Trump’s Impeachment
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 3:51 p.m.
    1 message

  1690. Movie Theater Security Reports Suspicious Behavior After Patron Buys Ticket To ‘Gemini Man’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 5:45 p.m.
    1 message

  1691. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 11, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1692. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 11, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1693. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 11, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1694. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 11, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1695. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 11, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 10 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1696. Timeline Of The GOP’s Relationship With Trump
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1697. The Awful Baboon: How We Wish It Were Endangered
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1698. Montgomery, Alabama Elects First Black Mayor
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1699. 3M Releases Command Self-Adhesive Meat Hooks For Serial Killers Trying To Reduce Clutter
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 10:28 a.m.
    1 message

  1700. Preview: ‘Pokémon Sword and Shield’ Is Sadly Marred By The Addition Of Sponsored Content Pokémon Like Boo Berry, Pep Boy Moe, And Florida Orange
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 11:05 a.m.
    1 message

  1701. Trump Flees Government Oppression By Relocating Administration To Remote Cabin Compound In Mountains Of Idaho
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 11:35 a.m.
    1 message

  1702. 2 Associates Of Giuliani Indicted On Campaign Finance Charges
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 3:49 p.m.
    1 message

  1703. PG&E Makes Amends For Power Outages By Pumping Wires Full Of So Much Electricity That Plugging In Lamp Will Kill You
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 4:13 p.m.
    1 message

  1704. ‘At Least Someone’s Getting Pregnant,’ Reports Mother-In-Law Watching News Story About Child Brides
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 4:38 p.m.
    1 message

  1705. Middle School Boy Assumes Crush Staring Into His Eyes During Slow Dance Waiting For Him To Make Fart Noises With Hands
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 4:55 p.m.
    1 message

  1706. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 12, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1707. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 12, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1708. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 12, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1709. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 12, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1710. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 12, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1711. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 13, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 12 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1712. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 13, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 12 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1713. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 13, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 12 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1714. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 13, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 12 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1715. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 13, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 12 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1716. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for October 13, 2019
    Bloom County -- Saturday, 12 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1717. Unusual names
    Turd Ferguson -- Sunday, 13 October 2019, at 11:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1718. Kyler Murray Stuns On Field In New Platform Cleats
    The Onion -- Sunday, 13 October 2019, at 1:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1719. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 14, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Sunday, 13 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1720. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 14, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Sunday, 13 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1721. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 14, 2019
    Dilbert -- Sunday, 13 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1722. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 14, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Sunday, 13 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1723. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 14, 2019
    Peanuts -- Sunday, 13 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1724. Department Of Education Vows To Crack Down On Cocky Little Assholes Who Hand In Test Early
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1725. CDC Finds STDs At All-Time High
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1726. For Its 33rd Year, OGN Adamantly Refuses To Report On The Pinball Expo ‘Flip Out’ Tournament Or Any Pinball-Related News
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 11:27 a.m.
    1 message

  1727. Report: Looks Like Ex Gained Some Weight Ever Since They Started Dating Someone Better
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 12:16 p.m.
    1 message

  1728. Conspiracy Theory Wastes No Time Getting Racist
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 12:24 p.m.
    1 message

  1729. ‘I Built This,’ Whispers Social Media Manager Beholding His Empire Of Successful Fuddruckers Tweets
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 1:01 p.m.
    1 message

  1730. Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 1:25 p.m.
    1 message

  1731. Jubilant ISIS Prisoners Hail American Liberators
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 1:37 p.m.
    1 message

  1732. Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 1:57 p.m.
    1 message

  1733. Teen Could Go For A Big Huff Of Something Right Now
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 2:54 p.m.
    1 message

  1734. Report: You May Not Remember Mom’s Friend, But Mom’s Friend Sure Remembers You
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 3:03 p.m.
    1 message

  1735. Shepard Smith Abruptly Departs Fox News
    The Onion -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 3:27 p.m.
    1 message

  1736. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 15, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1737. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 15, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1738. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 15, 2019
    Dilbert -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1739. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 15, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1740. Bloom County 2019 by Berkeley Breathed for October 15, 2019
    Bloom County -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1741. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 15, 2019
    Peanuts -- Monday, 14 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1742. 2019 Nobel Prize Winners
    The Onion -- Friday, 11 October 2019, at 5:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1743. Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 15, 2019
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1744. Patriotism FTW: ‘Call Of Duty: Mobile’ Will Now Only Allow Guns To Be Used By Players On American Side
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1745. Encouraged Marine Biologists Project Oceans Will Be Nice, Simmering Seafood Bisque By 2040
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1746. Wings And A Pair
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1747. Husky 9-Year-Old Claims Hotel Hot Tub As Own
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1748. Dog Ownership Linked To Longer Life
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 10:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1749. State-Of-The-Art PA System Squandered On Lutheran Church
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1750. 5 Things To Know About ‘Zombieland: Double Tap’
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 12:05 p.m.
    1 message

  1751. 911 Operator Informs Black Caller That Death Is On The Way
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 12:30 p.m.
    1 message

  1752. Hunter Biden Admits It Was Poor Judgment To Be Involved With Corrupt Biden Family
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 1:18 p.m.
    1 message

  1753. NBA Quietly Waiting For NFL To Fuck Up And Take Some Heat Off
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 2:24 p.m.
    1 message

  1754. Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 2:36 p.m.
    1 message

  1755. Blizzard Entertainment Faces Public Backlash For Banning Esports Champion
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 3:07 p.m.
    1 message

  1756. ‘Oh Goddamnit,’ Says Pete Buttigieg After Realizing None Of Opponents Dressed Up For Pre-Halloween Debate
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 7:58 p.m.
    1 message

  1757. CNN Moderator Desk Crowded After 16 Pundits Qualify For Debate
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:25 p.m.
    1 message

  1758. Tom Steyer Upgrades To Luxury-Class Debate Section With Hot Towels, Beverage Service
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:56 p.m.
    1 message

  1759. Bernie Sanders Renounces Call For Economic Equality After Brush With Death Teaches Him Money Isn’t Everything
    The Onion -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 9:36 p.m.
    1 message

  1760. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 16, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1761. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 16, 2019
    Dilbert -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1762. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 16, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1763. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 16, 2019
    Peanuts -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1764. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 16, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Tuesday, 15 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1765. Man Can’t Look At Angel Flying Down From Heaven To Save Drowning Child And Not Feel Like There Must Be Some Higher Power Out There
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1766. Bounty Unveils New Ultra-Thin Paper Towels For More Natural Feeling While Wiping Up Spills
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1767. Pros And Cons Of Whistleblowing
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 10:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1768. Gun Salesman Invites Customer To Take AR-15 For Spin Around Neighborhood
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 12:08 p.m.
    1 message

  1769. Tulsi Gabbard Clearly Vying For Spot On 2020 Election Wikipedia Page
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 12:26 p.m.
    1 message

  1770. Scientists Pretending To Be Interested In Kicker Offering Up Brain For Research
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 12:38 p.m.
    1 message

  1771. Cyberbullying Alert: Gamers Are Ganging Up To Harass This Defenseless Chinese Communist Party Leader
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 1:10 p.m.
    1 message

  1772. Americans Tune Into Fourth Democratic Debate
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 12:30 p.m.
    1 message

  1773. Trump Supporter Comes Away From Democratic Debate With Pretty Clear Idea Of Which Candidate He’s Going To Kill
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 2:11 p.m.
    1 message

  1774. Highlights Of The Fourth Democratic Debate
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 2:40 p.m.
    1 message

  1775. ‘You’ll Never Take Me Alive!’ Shouts Giuliani Jumping Onto Chandelier And Immediately Falling 3 Stories
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 4:07 p.m.
    1 message

  1776. PlayStation 5 Confirmed For Holiday 2020
    The Onion -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 4:42 p.m.
    1 message

  1777. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 17, 2019
    Peanuts -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1778. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 17, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1779. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 17, 2019
    Dilbert -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1780. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 17, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1781. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 17, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Wednesday, 16 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1782. John Bolton Called Trump Ukraine Deal A ‘Drug Deal’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 11:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1783. Man Starting To Think Addams Family Not Like Other Families
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 12:33 p.m.
    1 message

  1784. Cafe Patron Makes Humiliating Pass Through Lineup Of Empty Milk Carafes
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 1:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1785. 5 Things To Know About ‘Maleficent: Mistress Of Evil’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 1:28 p.m.
    1 message

  1786. Resistance Democrats Cheer Nancy Pelosi After Viral Photo Surfaces Of Her Sitting Quietly And Deferring To Room Of Corporate Lobbyists
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 1:40 p.m.
    1 message

  1787. John Bolton Called Trump Ukraine Deal A ‘Drug Deal’
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 1:51 p.m.
    1 message

  1788. RoseArt Recalls Colored Pencils After Hundreds Of Kids Sucked Into Magical Drawing World
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 2:12 p.m.
    1 message

  1789. Solemn Jeff Bezos Realizes He Could End Up Like Homeless Man If Just Few Hundred Thousand Things Go Wrong
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 2:40 p.m.
    1 message

  1790. Aggressive Flagellate Just Going Around Whipping Other Single-Celled Organisms
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 3:12 p.m.
    1 message

  1791. Mark Zuckerberg Delivers Free Speech Manifesto
    The Onion -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 5:06 p.m.
    1 message

  1792. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 18, 2019
    Dilbert -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1793. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 18, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1794. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 18, 2019
    Peanuts -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1795. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 18, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1796. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 18, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Thursday, 17 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1797. NFL Game Day Prepper Stockpiles Coolers Of Bud Light, Hundreds Of Pounds Of Grilled Meat In Underground Bunker
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 8:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1798. Arguments For And Against Filming Live Performances
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 8:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1799. Dad Figures Funeral Just As Good A Time As Any To Try Out New Camera Lens
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 9:00 a.m.
    1 message

  1800. Trump Says Syria Situation ‘Not Our Problem’
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 9:30 a.m.
    1 message

  1801. Halloween Pop-Up Store Has Pick Of Every Storefront In Rust Belt Town
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 11:27 a.m.
    1 message

  1802. Pete Buttigieg Tries Appealing To Moderate Boomers By Announcing He Doesn’t Agree With His Choice To Be Gay But Respects His Decision
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 12:12 p.m.
    1 message

  1803. New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 12:16 p.m.
    1 message

  1804. Mark Zuckerberg Announces All Of Facebook’s Future Decisions Will Be Made By The Cube Of Justice
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 1:24 p.m.
    1 message

  1805. Trump Miami Resort To Host Next Year’s G-7
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 2:02 p.m.
    1 message

  1806. Music Buff Pissed ‘Come Josephine In My Flying Machine’ Left Off Pitchfork’s ‘Best Of The 1910s’ List
    The Onion -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 2:17 p.m.
    1 message

  1807. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 19, 2019
    Dilbert -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1808. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 19, 2019
    Peanuts -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1809. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 19, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1810. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 19, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1811. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 19, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Friday, 18 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1812. Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson for October 20, 2019
    Arlo & Janis -- Saturday, 19 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1813. Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for October 20, 2019
    Dilbert -- Saturday, 19 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1814. The Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom for October 20, 2019
    The Born Loser -- Saturday, 19 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1815. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson for October 20, 2019
    Calvin & Hobbes -- Saturday, 19 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message

  1816. Peanuts by Charles Schulz for October 20, 2019
    Peanuts -- Saturday, 19 October 2019, at 8:00 p.m.
    1 message